Break the Chains Before They Break You

 As a codependent, I used to think that the chains of addiction were simple: I was addicted to other people, people I chose to be my (false) Higher Power. These were the people who were supposed to save me from myself and from all that was bad in my life. 

Breaking that primary chain of codependency took a few years, but I finally found it easy, once I learned the reasons why I eagerly engaged in seeking out human Higher Powers. I uncovered the fact that I spoke an addictive language that was invisible to the human eye, or even my conscious means of understanding why I acted the way I did. And that those I was addictively attracted to also spoke a silent language that attracted me.

After four years of recovery, I realized that a huge part of my problem was that I was addicted to friending the neediest people on earth. All of my false Higher Powers were actually needier than I was. At first that doesn't make sense. But I purposely-- without consciously knowing it-- chose people who were needier than I was.

Why? Because I felt that they would need me more than I would need them. Once I began to manipulate them-- through people-pleasing them, caretaking them, giving my total attention to fixing them-- they'd have to love and need me to the point that they surely couldn't abandon me, right? At that point, I'd be able to mold and shape them into being what I wanted. Then, they could begin to reciprocate by taking care of my every need and want. Right?

The formula, now that I am able to see it on a conscious level, seemed brilliant and insane at the same time. There is a certain amount of sense to it. Problem is that it's all fueled by manipulation of another person-- a needy person who was every bit as broken as I was-- if not more so.

It's been a long time since I've found myself eagerly attracted to overly needy people. I don't walk into a room and start subconsciously picking through people until I find the neediest of the needy anymore. And I don't quickly approach them with the giddy idea that I had found the person who is going to rescue me-- after I first rescue them.

I thought I had broken my chains of addiction when I reached this level of enlightenment. But I hadn't. I'd let go of pursuing others to be my Higher Power, but there were many other chains I needed to break, to let go of, to be a healthy recovering person. 

For example, I still have the urgent need to change many things that I can't change. For decades, I've wanted my face to be different-- free of the terrible acne scarring that has plagued me since I was 13 years old. As much as I have tried to erase those scars-- and I've found that they run deeper than my face-- they are still present. And because I still desperately want to be free of them, they have actually placed chains all around me. Chains of something I cannot change, and the misery that's attached to them as long as I refuse to accept them.

I need to accept those surface scars and I need to believe that the right people will love me despite the scars. But I also need to probe deeper into my hidden, emotional scars. I'm learning that the hidden truth is I wouldn't have severe acne scars if my mother had cared enough to help me at age 13. I had scarring all across my face. My cheeks were covered with huge scabs under my eyes. I wish I had pictures to show how horrible it was. And yet, as those scars were developing, my mother did nothing to help me. She didn't take me to a dermatologist until the holes in my face were totally out of control.

I'm now asking myself "Why?" Why did my mother wait until my face was irreparably damaged? It wasn't about the cost of medical attention. It wasn't because she was too busy. Did she have a purpose in neglecting me or wanting me to be damaged in this way?

I don't have any answers to these questions. Right now I only have hurt and anger. I thought I had forgiven my mother several years ago for controlling my life to the point that I never had a life of my own. But it seems the betrayal and pain run deeper than that surface forgiveness.

I'm also realizing now that there are still so many other aspects of my life-- and the lives of others-- that I'd like to change. These are all things that I am powerless over and yet I haven't admitted it to myself until now.

I might not be suffering anymore from my primary addiction of making other addicts into my false Higher Power, but I'm still a control freak in so many other ways. And I'm still wounded in deeper ways than I previously understood.

I need to break these chains before they break me. It's the only way to gain understanding and peace. Higher Power, grant me the serenity to accept all that I am refusing to accept and to move forward in a healthy manner as together we break these chains...

I need to let go of the person who was traumatized so that I can be reborn into the person I want to become-- the person free to be me.