From Self-Alienation to Strutting My Stuff-- My Way

 

 "At one point, I became sharply aware that I was largely responsible for my own alienation. Because of my extremely low sense of self-worth, I did everything in my power to keep people away."

A Time to Be Free: Daily Meditations

 

Ten years ago, a therapist told me he had seen me at a shopping mall. He didn't approach me because he said I looked totally unapproachable. At first, I was surprised by his remark, but then I told him I was wearing my stealth face that says "I'm traumatized-- don't hurt me" mixed with my "Don't bother me" face, which is to stop store clerks from bothering me. It was my fearful way of pushing people away-- even people I'd liked to meet and know.

I'm quite aware now that I wear my stealth-trauma face every time I walk out the front door. It's a face that has always projected my poor self-worth, but I feel it has now out-lived it's purpose. I still suffer from trauma but truth is no one today is going to verbally or emotionally hurt me on a city street like some people did when I was a young adult. I need to shake that fear of the past.

When I was in college, I was skinny and small. I had long hair like every guy had at the time. One day I was on a bus and I had unknowingly dropped something. The lady behind me tapped me on the right shoulder and said "Miss." Needless to say, she was embarrassed when I turned my head around and she saw a mustache. I was mortified. New trauma to add to years of already unresolved childhood trauma. Now, my gender was in question.

I already wanted to hide from the world. That desire was now greatly intensified. To protect myself, I was pretty good at being invisible at times. When you try hard to evade everyone and refuse to engage anyone, you start blending into the wall. People don't notice you so much anymore.

This was probably around the time when my stealth face developed. Although I do remember in my college days people who anonymously approached me on the street and said things like "You look like an intelligent, understanding guy..." and then they'd start to confide a problem to me. That always surprised me.

Which brings me to today. I've been more aware of my stealth-trauma face in recent weeks, and I want to remove it. I've been trying hard, saying mantras to myself as I walk along like "I'm worthy of love," "I choose to be free of fear," "No one is judging me-- and if they are they can stick it up their..." But none of that has worked very well.

Today was different. I took the train to get my COVID booster shot. At the train station, I started listening to the song "My Way" by Alana D. It's one of the closing songs from the film "Isn't It Romantic," starring Rebel Wilson.

In many ways, I can relate to her character in the film. She's trying to break free from her past trauma and the low self-worth that has led her to neglect her needs-- and to push people away who care about her. By the end of the film, she's gained a lot of recovery and her theme now is "My Way."

The song is very energetic and I learned today that it has a bounce that is perfect for strutting your stuff-- claiming your rightful place on the sidewalk and stepping along with personal power. And that's what I did. I discovered I have an awesome strut/walk today when I move to the beat of that song and claim the lyric as my own proclamation of empowerment.

I put "My Way" on continuous replay and never felt so good in my life walking around in public by myself. I don't have a problem walking around with a friend, but by myself has always been uncomfortable. It helped today that I also stopped projecting my bad judgments onto others-- no longer thinking they were supposedly judging me as harshly as I do.

So, a trip to Walgreens by foot turned into a minor miracle. To make it even better, I had a miserable morning emotionally. I couldn't have felt worse. Heading outdoors wasn't something I really wanted to do. But the autumn breeze made it better and then the new found ability to strut "My Way" was incredible. My bad mood flipped upside down with a welcomed "Goodbye" from me.