The Devastating Need to Be Perfect


I've spent my life believing people could only love me if I met certain criteria. I learned from my mother that being liked depended on being perfect. Although I have known for many years that it's impossible to be perfect, it still haunts me and it still controls my behavior subconsciously.

Being perfect, according to my mother, included always looking perfect to the outside world. I had to dress preppy-perfect. I had to be thin. I had to keep my hair neatly cut and combed. I had to smell good (To this day, I'm addicted to cologne.) And, of course, my manners and behavior always had to be gentlemanly-- perfect. 

This all began to unravel when I gained a lot of weight in sixth grade. The pressure in our household became greater than I could emotionally tolerate, so I began self-medicating mostly with sugar. As a result, I was on my way toward being unacceptable. 

My mother was not pleased. So, I faced an onslaught of shaming words. By the eighth grade, I was well overweight and completely embarrassed about my body. I knew it had to be "perfect" and I was completely devastated by the catch-22 I was stuck in. I wore wool sweaters-- the only kind I had-- that summer, hoping they'd hide the great shame that my stomach was for me. I even walked around with my arms folded, hoping to hide my shame.

I eventually lost that extra weight, but I couldn't shake feeling fat inside. To this day, I can't stand feeling overweight or bloated. It's my life-long great shame. I know most people don't see me as overweight, but it's been little consolation.

I am making headway, though. Recently I was walking around the neighborhood-- holding my stomach in and feeling embarrassed-- when these thoughts came into my head: "Nobody on this earth cares about whether you are thin or not. No one is looking at you and judging you-- except you. So let go. Don't remain a prisoner of your toxic thoughts-- and the toxic expectations your mother fed you."

Then I thought "The people who are meant to love you, don't-- and won't-- ever care about what you look like. So, let go of the idea that you have to please the world around you to be acceptable, or worthy of love."

These thoughts brought a sense of relief and a smile to my face. Granted, the good feelings I experienced only lasted a day, but I except the fact that deeply ingrained thoughts and feelings aren't going to disappear quickly and forever.

I have a bloating problem that I struggle with, and I still tend to punish myself by thinking and feeling like I'm defective when the bloat overwhelms me. I'm sure I make the problem worse with my conscious and subconscious negative chatter and fear. So, I'm in the process of trying to be kinder to myself. 

I'm also beginning to face the fact that much of my problem has to do with my tendency to believe that every problem, mistake or imagined personal defect is fatal. I've recently realized how I perceive even the smallest mistake I make as leading to fatal consequences for me. This misconception has made me paranoid, fear-filled and depressed for years. Now, when I make a mistake and feel those fatal feelings, I remind myself that the mistake was not fatal, and that no one is punishing me but me. Then I surrender it to my Higher Power and let go as best as I can.

 So, now when I'm walking around in public, I tell myself all eyes are not on you. Those that may be, are not criticizing you-- and if the are, I could care less. I don't need to care what anyone else thinks of me. I also tell myself that I am choosing to own my personal power and I will not give it away to anyone else by caring what they think of me. 

Today, while walking, I felt super free and comfortable for about an hour-- reminding myself that "I'm owning my power. No one can take it away." On saying those words, a smile came over my face, and my walk turned into a confident strut-- very different from the icy/stony face I usually wear in public while my walk is constricted by fear. Body language says a great deal about how we view our selves, and why we attract narcissistic addicts.

My feelings and body language began to slide backwards after that first hour, which was OK. I didn't expect these new found feelings to last much longer. Recovery is step by step, not once and for all. 

The experience of actually owning my own power and feeling good was a great step forward. It was one I have never experienced before, so I'm hope-filled. 

God grant me serenity...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

No One Can Calm Your Codependent Crazies, But You

Image
Ah, the codependent crazies. Those needy, needy feelings. I remember well the deep emotional pain in the pit of my stomach: The throbbing sting of shame, fear, loneliness and anxious desperation. Those feelings that are like fingernails on the blackboard of your soul. They eat you alive from within as they dig deeper and deeper into the black hole of your inner-emptiness. Yes, I remember them well. And I remember evenings of mental and emotional insanity-- squirming with a magazine, pacing back and forth, indulging in chocolate, chasing up and down the stairs hoping the doorbell would ring, and staring endlessly at the telephone for a sign of hope. All I needed was a call from my false higher power; a call that would help me to know that I was OK, that I was needed, that I was worth thinking about in some good way. I was dying to be emotionally caressed on the head like a poodle desperate for the attention of his master. And certainly I had made that other person into my mas...
Read more

Happiness is Something We Cultivate and Share

Who makes you happy? In reality, no one can make you happy. People in your life can enhance your happiness through sharing your interests. Or they can add to your frustrations by pushing your buttons. But no one can be responsible for your happiness or your misery—aside from you. One of the biggest problems for codependents is that we too often enter relationships looking for everlasting happiness. We expect that the person we choose to attach our dreams to should be responsible for making us happy. In our minds, we fantasize that he/she will be focused solely on us, will spend every waking hour with us and will do everything in his/her power to insure that we are as happy as we can possibly be. In other words, we assume this person will meet all of our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual needs in the same way that we plan to meet all of his/her needs. In our little dream world we will smother each other with attention and we will both drip with the honey of happiness. R...
Read more

Where There Is Kindness, There Is Goodness

Image
Author’s Note: The next few meditations will be from a retreat I directed recently called The Good News According to Disney . If you aren’t familiar with the films that are referenced, I’d suggest to take time to see them and to look for the deeper meaning within them. Many people today still live by the biblical adage “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.” They actually believe that they will be at peace if they achieve revenge or restitution for any mishap that has befallen them at the hands of another. They believe they will reclaim their personal power once they have achieved their revenge, but this is impossible. Disney’s Cinderella (2015) reveals the true secret to owning one’s personal power and to retaining it no matter what we experience in life: “Have courage and be kind.” On the surface this motto looks a bit simple and wimpy. But in reality, it holds great power. That power comes from the heart of a person, or in this case Ella, who sees the world not a...
Read more

Become the Person You Want to Spend Your Life With Everyday

Image
I really don’t have to say much about the above quote. It says it all and it’s so true. We are too often taught faulty ways of thinking as children. So many of us get the wrong message at very young ages: Love is about finding the right person to love you. Looking back I realize I wasted many years trying to find that “right” person— the one who could love me into loving myself— instead of trying to BE that “right” person myself. It never occurred to me that I needed to love myself, nurture myself and accept myself enough to become the right person— the person I really needed most in my life. After all, what is my life without me? Now I know that I’m what’s been missing from my own life for years. My life is empty without me and without my spiritual Higher Power. This is true for all of us.  Once We find ourselves, become the “right” person God intended us to be, and become the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with, then we attract others into our lives who ca...
Read more