The Devastating Need to Be Perfect

I've spent my life believing people could only love me if I met certain criteria. I learned from my mother that being liked depended on being perfect. Although I have known for many years that it's impossible to be perfect, it still haunts me and it still controls my behavior subconsciously.

Being perfect, according to my mother, included always looking perfect to the outside world. I had to dress preppy-perfect. I had to be thin. I had to keep my hair neatly cut and combed. I had to smell good (To this day, I'm addicted to cologne.) And, of course, my manners and behavior always had to be gentlemanly-- perfect. 

This all began to unravel when I gained a lot of weight in sixth grade. The pressure in our household became greater than I could emotionally tolerate, so I began self-medicating mostly with sugar. As a result, I was on my way toward being unacceptable. 

My mother was not pleased. So, I faced an onslaught of shaming words. By the eighth grade, I was well overweight and completely embarrassed about my body. I knew it had to be "perfect" and I was completely devastated by the catch-22 I was stuck in. I wore wool sweaters-- the only kind I had-- that summer, hoping they'd hide the great shame that my stomach was for me. I even walked around with my arms folded, hoping to hide my shame.

I eventually lost that extra weight, but I couldn't shake feeling fat inside. To this day, I can't stand feeling overweight or bloated. It's my life-long great shame. I know most people don't see me as overweight, but it's been little consolation.

I am making headway, though. Recently I was walking around the neighborhood-- holding my stomach in and feeling embarrassed-- when these thoughts came into my head: "Nobody on this earth cares about whether you are thin or not. No one is looking at you and judging you-- except you. So let go. Don't remain a prisoner of your toxic thoughts-- and the toxic expectations your mother fed you."

Then I thought "The people who are meant to love you, don't-- and won't-- ever care about what you look like. So, let go of the idea that you have to please the world around you to be acceptable, or worthy of love."

These thoughts brought a sense of relief and a smile to my face. Granted, the good feelings I experienced only lasted a day, but I except the fact that deeply ingrained thoughts and feelings aren't going to disappear quickly and forever.

I have a bloating problem that I struggle with, and I still tend to punish myself by thinking and feeling like I'm defective when the bloat overwhelms me. I'm sure I make the problem worse with my conscious and subconscious negative chatter and fear. So, I'm in the process of trying to be kinder to myself. 

I'm also beginning to face the fact that much of my problem has to do with my tendency to believe that every problem, mistake or imagined personal defect is fatal. I've recently realized how I perceive even the smallest mistake I make as leading to fatal consequences for me. This misconception has made me paranoid, fear-filled and depressed for years. Now, when I make a mistake and feel those fatal feelings, I remind myself that the mistake was not fatal, and that no one is punishing me but me. Then I surrender it to my Higher Power and let go as best as I can.

 So, now when I'm walking around in public, I tell myself all eyes are not on you. Those that may be, are not criticizing you-- and if the are, I could care less. I don't need to care what anyone else thinks of me. I also tell myself that I am choosing to own my personal power and I will not give it away to anyone else by caring what they think of me. 

Today, while walking, I felt super free and comfortable for about an hour-- reminding myself that "I'm owning my power. No one can take it away." On saying those words, a smile came over my face, and my walk turned into a confident strut-- very different from the icy/stony face I usually wear in public while my walk is constricted by fear. Body language says a great deal about how we view our selves, and why we attract narcissistic addicts.

My feelings and body language began to slide backwards after that first hour, which was OK. I didn't expect these new found feelings to last much longer. Recovery is step by step, not once and for all. 

The experience of actually owning my own power and feeling good was a great step forward. It was one I have never experienced before, so I'm hope-filled. 

God grant me serenity...