Sit with the Pain of Being "Me" and Surrender it Through Prayer

 

 

 It's nice to experience a feeling of "home" in another, like our Higher Power or a close friend. That feeling allows us to move forward in the right direction as we work our recovery program. Feeling at "home," we may have days when we even feel like we are soaring above the clouds of addiction. We feel amazed-- as if we are soon going to feel free. 

Then suddenly, we nose dive into the very hell of being "me"-- again. We lose our sense of "home." What happened? Everything seemed so much better yesterday. 

It's at this point that we realize there are still hidden places inside of us that are crying-- maybe screaming-- for healing. They are keeping us trapped. We suddenly feel like we can no longer embrace our new found joy of allowing "me to be me."

Yesterday's happiness and hopefulness suddenly drain out of our hearts. Our souls deflate. We feel like we are never going to get past this hurt. How many other hidden wounds are we going to have to face? Are we ever going to reach the finish line of authentic acceptance of ourselves? How many more times are we going to be fooled into believing we are healed, when we are not?

We'd like honest, obvious answers from our Higher Power, ones that give our souls hope. But there is only silence. We feel so alone as the pain of being "me" rushes over us. We think about people we encounter each day. They seem to live in emotional freedom, in a parallel universe that authenticates their place in this world. 

And here we are, sitting with our anxiety, existing in the world that we have known for so long-- the world of our negative thoughts, fears, self-hatred, and addiction that constantly spins around in our heads. 

To makes matters worse, we may choose to deny our legitimate right to be happy in the real world. It's easy to feel like a phony, as if we have no right to fool the world into believing we belong. So, we sit with the bad feelings of being a "fraud."

When days like this happened, it seems best to sit with our feelings. Allow the hurt to continue to bubble-up and wash over us. Once we've faced the pain-- without sugar or shopping or alcohol-- we may be clear-headed enough to connect with our Higher Power on a deeper level through one-on-one prayer:

Higher Power, I feel like an abandoned child again, like the one my parents didn't know how to love. I feel the pressure of the demands they placed on me to be what they wanted. I feel the devastating hurt of their inability to accept me as I am. I feel the pain of losing my self worth, self esteem, self knowledge and self love. They disappeared down a drain as all of my true self was scrubbed away from me by their lack of acceptance, their inability to hold me, hug me, love me.

I need help, Higher Power. This pain, which I thought was healed, is poisoning the life out of me. I want to stop hating myself. I want to look in the mirror and love what I see. I want to relax into the comfort of my own skin as I love me from inside out. I want the rhythm of my life to be filled with love and purpose. I want to be happy being me. I want to rejoice in sharing the real me with the rest of the world. 

Please help me to heal the "broken me" so that the "authentic me" can rejoice in the love of life I have always desired. Amen.