Soulshine

Back in 2004, I was directing a retreat called "Open Up Your Heart and Let Yourself Out" at the Serra Retreat House in Malibu, California. While perusing through their bookstore, I came across the book "The Addictive Personality" by Craig Nakken. As I read through portions of the book, I felt fear, trepidation and ultimately-- resistance. I immediately wanted to put the book down and never look at it again. But after a few minutes, I picked the book back up and when I realized how strongly I was feeling resistance to what I was reading, I realized that resistance had a positive message for me. I traced the feeling of resistance back to denial. This book was challenging the denial that I was still trapped in. Yes, I had been in recovery for codependence for several years at this point, and I understood that I was powerless over other people. But what I hadn't owned up to were my two primary side addictions, which I turned to when I felt codependently ov...

“No amount of self-improvement can make up for any lack of self-acceptance.” Robert Holden, Be Happy    In his book, The Addictive Personality , Craig Nakken says “addiction on its most basic level, is an attempt to control and fulfill the desire for happiness.”   And indeed, every addict wants to end their great unhappiness. Problem is that few addicts are aware of their true source of unhappiness.    We mistakenly think our misery is about many things, such as our inability to find Mr. or Ms. Right, or our inability to make things right between family members, or our inability to find that “right” job or “right” place to live.    In truth, once we enter recovery, we are made aware that the source of our great unhappiness is US!    Every addicts suffers from tremendous self-loathing. Many of us have long hated ourselves and we’ve taken every possible opportunity to demean ourselves. Our negative self-talk has weighed o...

“If you were raised in a family where closeness was not a reality, you are much more prone to form an addictive relationship for two reasons: first, you were taught to distance yourself from people, not connect with them; second, growing up in this type of family left you with a deep, lonely emptiness that you’ve wanted to have filled.” Craig Nakken , The Addictive Personality I grew up in a family that was emotionally and physically distant. In many ways we were like six separate people living in the same house. We were more like strangers than a family. We greeted each other in passing, but we rarely made attempts to do much with each other. Sure, we knew each other’s temperaments, and we definitely knew how to push each other’s buttons, how to evoke drama and invent chaos. We also knew how to hide from each other. We only talked when necessary and we shared—on an emotional level-- no more than we had to, mostly out of fear of abandonment. I was too afraid to reveal t...

“I now find myself eating for all the same reasons I drank:  I’m lonely, I’m afraid.” Craig Nakken , The Addictive Personality Many people mistakenly belief that addiction itself is the primary problem. It is not. Addiction is a symptom of a deeper problem. The deeper problem is self-hatred. Most every addict suffers from a severe amount of self-loathing. In fact, self-love is a tern that is completely foreign to people who are caught in the throes of addictive behaviors. No one over-indulges in alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, shopping or any other addictive behavior for no reason. The reason is clear to me. It is lack of self-love. That lack of self-love leads to lack of self-esteem and lack of self-worth. We are then left fearful and lonely. We fear that others will find out how miserably imperfect and unacceptable we are and so we isolate as much as possible to avoid rejection. As we separate ourselves from people and healthy relationships, we begin bui...