Soulshine

In her book Conquering Shame and Codependency , Darlene Lancer says that some codependents are Pursuers and some are Distancers . Pursuers will do anything to be loved because they find it too painful to be alone. As soon as they are attracted to someone, Pursuers find themselves already thinking of merging with this person and becoming a couple. Prior to recovery, Pursuers rarely think in terms of meeting their own needs for love by better loving themselves. Instead, their focus is on finding love and validation through a partner. Receiving love makes them feel worthwhile and promises to ease the pain of past rejection and self-alienation. The problem most Pursuers run up against is their own personal neediness, which leads them to smother their partners. Smothering begins with giving total attention to the partner (often a Distancer). Initially, the partner may love all of the attention and love that is lavished upon them, but eventually they realize it comes with many...

“Too many times I let my feelings hide. I act like it's all alright. You don't know how I feel inside. I act like nothing's on my mind, I act like nothing's on my mind But there's something on my mind. It's easier to hide.” Maya Jane Coles, Easier to Hide I grew-up believing I didn’t have the right to have wants or needs, thoughts or feelings. As a child, I had received the message many times that my wants and needs, thoughts and feelings didn’t count. So I learned to hold them tightly inside of me, or to outright dismiss them as invalid. When I was small, it worked for me to deny expressing myself. I was simply labeled the “shy” child and people thought it was cute. But as I grew into a young adult, being the “shy” child became a problem for me. I found that when I wanted to express myself, I couldn’t. Either I didn’t really know what I wanted or needed, or thought or felt; or I didn’t have the self-esteem to open up and express my...

“The greatest terror a child can have is that he is unloved,   and rejection is the hell he fears.” John Steinbeck, East of Eden The worst childhood message I received was “You are not lovable… as you are.” I never knew unconditional love. Instead I learned a conditioned love that danced to this rule “I love you when you’re good, but I don’t love you when you’re bad.” It didn’t take me long to realize that I could never be “good” all of the time and so I could never truly be loveable. From that day forward, I never felt safe. I learned that if I was good, I might receive accolades from my parents and feel somewhat acceptable and comfortable. But all it took was one wrong word or deed and I was quickly robbed of my safety and salvation through instant rejection. Parental affection was withdrawn usually through scolding or the silent treatment or a combination of both. Shame and guilt were used to shoot me down. “I am so disappointed in you…” “I am so ashamed ...