Soulshine

“See your problems of self-esteem Could be self-fulfilling prophecies, So probably your best policy is to talk to me. Stop looking over your shoulder Cause if it was up to me I would make you feel right.” Chromeo, Over Your Shoulder People with addictive personalities suffer from many “problems of self-esteem,” which are rooted in problems of self-love. And, more often than not, it seems to me that problems of self-love are based in self-beliefs. Anyone who believes that he/she is unworthy, untouchable, unacceptable or unlovable is going to suffer from tremendously poor self-love. And, as a result, his/her self-esteem is going to be equally as poor. A person with poor self-love sees very little value or worth in him/herself. And self-esteem is based in feelings of healthy self-worth. Self-love requires that we believe we are created in the incredibly beautiful image and likeness of God. It also requires that we believe we are worthy, touchable, acceptable and lo...

There’s only one essential ingredient to being successful in life: Self-love. That’s the primary ingredient to succeeding in anything, including recovery. Since most of us with addictive personalities grew-up with little to no self-love, we often don’t know how to begin to love ourselves. And yes, it’s easier to say than do, but we can do it. We just have to choose to start rebuilding our self-love. I’ve chosen to begin the process of reclaiming my self-love by identifying my shame. Why begin with shame? Because shame is the one feeling that thoroughly destroys self-love. Shame is so devastating because it centers its warheads on who we are inherently. Shame says “you were born a mistake.” It points its nasty finger in our faces and says “you cannot be lovable because you are gay, or female, or the wrong skin-color, or born out-of-wedlock, or stupid, or ___________.” And we can all fill in the blanks with the many, many other ways in which shame has been telling us we are una...

“Many people, especially cancer patients, grow up believing that there is some terrible flaw at the center of their being. A defect they must hide if they are to have any chance for love.” Dr. Bernie Siegel , Love, Medicine & Miracles Most every addict grows up believing that they are inherently flawed in an unacceptable and unchangeable way. This is certainly what I learned at a very young age: That I had major flaws that made me unlovable. Deep down, all of us know what are alleged flaws are. We’ve been carrying them around like boulders inside of us for years and years. As a result, these flaws have been major stumbling blocks in all of our relationships. Either we’ve lived with the crippling fear that if someone we love finds out, we will lose their love. Or we’ve never even allowed ourselves to truly open up to love for fear of being “found out.” And so we’ve used our flaws like two-edged swords to 1) beat ourselves with and: 2) to thrust at other people in ord...

“Are my lips unkissable? Are my eyes unlookable? Is my skin untouchable? Am I unlovable?” Darren Hayes, Unlovable Darren Hayes was part of the wildly successful 1990s band Savage Garden, which produced massive hit singles like “Truly, Madly, Deeply” and “I Always Knew I Loved You.” In 2000, he left the band to start a solo career that hasn’t been quite as successful. “Unlovable” is a favorite song of mine from his 2004 album The Tension and The Spark . Some days I feel very unlovable. I still struggle with the terrible acne scarring that ravaged my face when I was 14. As I get older and sagging areas further emphasize the scars, I feel very ugly. And I know it’s not going to get better. Time isn’t on my side. So I look in the mirror and I feel unlovable and sad. Lotions can only do so much, and I’m tired of people to this very day asking me “What happened to your face?” All it does is remind me that my face, my skin, isn’t the norm—that it’s somehow unlookable, unkis...