Soulshine

“At least I call my soul my own. Do you?” Michael Grant, Theodora Goes Wild (1936) It’s pretty important to be able to call your soul your own. Those of us who grew up under the thumb of an overly codependent mom or dad were never allowed as children to claim our souls as our own. Our souls belonged to the parent who felt he/she had the privilege to live our lives for us by telling us who we were to be, what we were to like, what we were to believe, etc. And if we rebelled in any way, this same parent was a pro at using shame, guilt and fear to keep us in our place. I lived under my mother’s thumb until the day she died. Actually, I have still been living under her thumb to varying degrees in the 20 years since her death. She did a really good job of taking my soul away from me from the time I was born. She made it clear that I could not be who I am and that if I chose to engage in certain behaviors I was doomed to a life of misery and to eternal damnation. I understan...

Now that song comes again and I still remember you saying ”Young boy afraid to risk for love to take a chance No light, no love will ever grow Inside your house of stone.” Now that song comes again (Oh, no, no) I still remember you saying ”Young boy who could not ask for love Your chance has passed No light, no love will ever grow.” I will build a house of stone. House of Stone by Roaring Boys I remember first hearing the song House of Stone back in the early 1980s. The melody wrapped its way around my stony little heart and tugged me down to my knees as the lyrics hit me like a brick upside my head. I knew I had built a house of stone around my heart, but I didn’t know what to do about it. On the one hand, my house of stone protected me-- to some degree-- from the pain of the outside world. But, on the other hand, it kept me from being vulnerable and from connecting with other people. It’s stealth protection meant that I couldn’t let any love in—not even ...

 “You know it’s on your mind So get on up until you dance Try it out You’ll never know until you do Try it out Take a chance You can do it Try it out Don’t feel sorry for yourself You can make it Try it out Take the time, take a chance Every minute, every day Try it out” Gino Soccio, Try It Out Too often in life, we don’t want to “try it out.” We’re afraid of taking risks. We’re afraid to get outside of our selves, outside of our own internal head-worlds. Essentially, we’re afraid to live life in the real world. This is especially true for many recovering people because we have been so damaged by outside sources, by people in the real world. For some of us, it’s even terrifying to think of attending our first 12 Step meeting. We’ve become so accustomed to holding ourselves inside of our own little world, that we are fearful to let ourselves out; to be vulnerable in front of other people. We are fearful and we are often trapped in the darkness of our...

I feel like I’m shedding my skin—the old, false me skin. I’m shedding the false skin of “I’m shit and no one could love me.” I’m shedding the skin of false devotionalism and false Catholicism. I’m shedding the skin of I’m too old, or I’m too fat or I’m too whatever (fill in the blank). And most importantly I’m shedding the skin that is scarred by years and years of fears. It’s not easy. Fear is so powerful. But as soon as I put my head in its mouth, I find I have all of the power that fear pretends to have. Are you shedding your skin today? How? What are you doing to shed your false self? Hopefully you’re using powerful, positive I AM statements. I found a neat little shop in Long Beach called Fern’s Garden. There I came across some great pewter I AM bracelets. Mine says “I am awesome I am.” It has a puzzle piece on it to symbolize that I am part of the Universe; a part of the mystery; an essential part that is awesome. When I feel like I’m slipping into old thought patterns,...