Soulshine

“I don’t want to die before I live” The Ramones , Cabbies on Crack Codependents aren’t known for living their own lives. Many of us have long been focused on living someone else’s life. And some of us have been focused on living everyone’s life. Either way, our intent was to escape from ourselves by walking in the shoes of others. Yes. We walked their walk and talked their talk. We liked whatever they liked and we danced to their tunes; for within these other persons we were to find our salvation. This sounds like insanity to me now, and yet I still feel the tug, the desire, of wanting to find my fulfillment in the life of another person. I know it’s not possible. Nothing from outside of me—whether it be a person, a new car, a drug, a role of the dice or a cinnamon roll—can bring me lasting comfort. Personal fulfillment comes from within, built on the foundation of I AM who I am, of being completely me, of being spiritually one with my Higher Power. I know this is the truth...

Oscar Wilde said it perfectly: “be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” We were created by God to be ourselves: The unique individuals that God empowered with a specific purpose for the betterment of our generation on this earth. So “rejoice” in who you are by choosing to see yourself in a favorable light, by retaining the personal power God blessed you with at birth and by using that power to bless humanity. No one can take our personal power away from us. Even our parents weren’t able to do so when we were children. We freely chose to give our personal power away to Mom and Dad because we believed they had to be right and we had to be wrong. As disempowered children, we developed victim mentalities that caused us to give our power away to most everyone. As a result, we never learned to build good boundaries. When other children bullied us, we ran instead of standing our ground; when people insulted us, we took it on the chin while we quietly died inside ourselves; and whe...

We are all the salt of the earth. But when we fail to set proper boundaries, we lose our “taste” and we are then trampled underfoot. Likewise, we are all the light of the world, unless we refuse to respect ourselves by setting proper boundaries with others. We then whimper away, lick our wounds and hide our light under a bushel basket. Boundaries allow our light to shine before others. Boundaries show that we do love, respect and value ourselves. And they allow us to fully be who we are so that our talents flourish and add value to the world around us.   Simply put a boundary is:1) something (such as a river, a fence, or an imaginary line) that shows where an area ends and another area begins (in other words, where I end and you begin); 2) a point or limit that indicates where two things become different; 3) an unofficial rule about what should not be done; limits that define acceptable behavior. The simplest boundary we can set is saying “No,” and yet it is the harde...

“Is it the facts you want about my daughter, or Lisa’s fancies? Charlotte was a late child. There were three boys and then, after a long time, this girl. A child of my old age, I’ve always called her… my ugly duckling. Of course it’s true that all late children are marked.” Mrs. Vale, Now Voyager (1942) Sometimes a child is negatively marked or branded by a parent. Sometimes a mom, who has always felt ugly, sees too many of her own hated physical features in a particular daughter; or sometimes a dad, who has always felt stupid, sees too many of his personality traits in a particular son. These parents project their own self-loathing onto their children. Mom brands the daughter who looks like her “my ugly duckling” and dad brands the son who just can’t seem to get a math equation right “you stupid numbskull!” If these children then accept these labels (lies) as valid, they will brand themselves with them. Every time the daughter looks in the mirror she will repea...

I don’t believe the compulsion to control another person is ever for the benefit of the other person. It’s all about us. We feel insecure, we feel unlovable, we feel empty spaces growing inside of us and so we desperately turn to others to quiet our codependent crazies. When others aren’t being what we want them to be, when they aren’t making us feel OK about ourselves, we then do everything within our power to manipulate them into pleasing us. A good example of this theory comes from the novel Now Voyager . Jerry Durrance, a major character in the novel, is married to Isabel. It’s not a happy marriage because Isabel guilted and shamed Jerry into marrying her. Isabel is extremely insecure in herself and she must have all of Jerry’s attention. Unfortunately for Isabel, too much of Jerry’s attention goes to their younger daughter, Tina. Isabel feels terribly threatened by Tina. As a result, Isabel is always trying to make Jerry choose between her and Tina. When Jerry choose...

“At least I call my soul my own. Do you?” Michael Grant, Theodora Goes Wild (1936) It’s pretty important to be able to call your soul your own. Those of us who grew up under the thumb of an overly codependent mom or dad were never allowed as children to claim our souls as our own. Our souls belonged to the parent who felt he/she had the privilege to live our lives for us by telling us who we were to be, what we were to like, what we were to believe, etc. And if we rebelled in any way, this same parent was a pro at using shame, guilt and fear to keep us in our place. I lived under my mother’s thumb until the day she died. Actually, I have still been living under her thumb to varying degrees in the 20 years since her death. She did a really good job of taking my soul away from me from the time I was born. She made it clear that I could not be who I am and that if I chose to engage in certain behaviors I was doomed to a life of misery and to eternal damnation. I understan...

In the 1942 film Now, Voyager , there’s a very moving scene between Bette Davis (who plays Charlotte Vale) and Paul Henreid (who plays Jerry Durrance). It’s evening and the two are standing on the deck of an ocean-liner that’s heading toward Brazil. Earlier, they had spent the day site-seeing together.   Now, they’re sharing inner-secrets and taking time to actually be real with each other. Charlotte wipes away some very bittersweet tears and thanks Jerry for helping her to almost feel fully alive. It’s a touching, sad and yet hopeful moment for Charlotte—and those of us who can relate to her.  I’m not sure that I know what it feels like to be fully alive. There are times when, for just a few fleeting seconds, I have felt fully free, exhilarated and alive. It’s as if I am suddenly a real person in a real world that is filled with love, opportunities and excitement. The sky is electric blue, the air is fully fresh and I feel like I can swim oceans. But the feeling qui...