Soulshine

I just returned from a fabulous trip to Asia. It was an all-expense paid trip to Hong Kong, Bangkok and Koh Samui. And although I thoroughly enjoyed the trip, I still suffered from some pangs of guilt, which I was acutely aware of as I was experiencing them. The guilt stemmed from the fact that I was enjoying myself at someone else’s monetary expense. It was a gift that deep-down I didn’t feel worthy of receiving. The guilt wasn’t so evident when we did things as a group, but if I was lunching on my own or taking an afternoon sight-seeing trip on my own, I felt guilty about charging things to my room; knowing that I wasn’t going to have to pay for them. I realized that all of this guilt stemmed from my deeply engrained belief that my needs and wants aren’t valid. As a child I never felt that I had the right to have wants and needs. I was brainwashed into believing it was purely selfish to want or need anything. As an adult I’ve mostly coped with that guilt by being self-suffi...

“Too many times I let my feelings hide. I act like it's all alright. You don't know how I feel inside. I act like nothing's on my mind, I act like nothing's on my mind But there's something on my mind. It's easier to hide.” Maya Jane Coles, Easier to Hide I grew-up believing I didn’t have the right to have wants or needs, thoughts or feelings. As a child, I had received the message many times that my wants and needs, thoughts and feelings didn’t count. So I learned to hold them tightly inside of me, or to outright dismiss them as invalid. When I was small, it worked for me to deny expressing myself. I was simply labeled the “shy” child and people thought it was cute. But as I grew into a young adult, being the “shy” child became a problem for me. I found that when I wanted to express myself, I couldn’t. Either I didn’t really know what I wanted or needed, or thought or felt; or I didn’t have the self-esteem to open up and express my...

When relationships end, we often hear about how the two people involved “grew apart” from each other. I wonder if that’s really true. It seems to me that many people in serious relationships never allow themselves to “grow together.” It’s mind-boggling to me that people can be in committed relationships and yet   never communicate honestly with their significant other. What’s even more mind-boggling is the fact that this seems to be more the norm than not. Many people commit to each other on a surface level. They do fun things together, share similar friendships and talk about fluff until they feel comfortable enough to get physical. Before you know it they’re married—often because the sex was great—and they’re having kids. But deep down, they don’t even really know each other at all. They’ve never allowed themselves to be vulnerable to the point of truly unleashing who they are, what they need, what they want, what they’re deepest hurts and joys are, what they truly belie...