Soulshine

“What can you buy That lifts a heavy heart to the sky? What makes your day? What miracle of life Has come to stay? A taste of love.” New Order , Restless (2015) New Order is one of my favorite ‘80s bands. When I heard the first lines of their new song Restless (“What can you buy that lifts a heavy heart to the sky?”), it was a wake-up call for me. All of my life I have sought to lift my heavy heart through buying things. For the most part, I was trying to fill-up the spiritual emptiness I felt inside from never having good healthy relationships. Anytime a relationship was souring, I’d head to the Mall, or the record store or to Amazon.com to lift my heavy heart. And everything I purchased seemed so essential at the time. It was if I had to have all of these things or I would die. It was like taking a drug to help me escape all of the empty, horrible feelings that were driving me to destruction. But the truth is that there is NOTHING you can buy that will trul...

“I thought I was in love with you, but then I realized that I was in love with how much you were in love with me.” Anonymous The emotional neediness of many codependents drives them to lavish others with praise, gifts, attention and a false concept of love, especially in romantic relationships. Too many codependents are starved for romantic fulfillment and so it’s easy for them to overwhelm the target of their romantic affections. Initially those on the receiving end of all that romantic attention are sometimes knocked for a loop. They are so overwhelmed by all of the attention they are receiving from the codependent that they at first think that they, too, are equally head-over-heals for this person (the codependent). But once they get their feet back on the ground, they begin to get some inner-clarity. And often times they come to an understanding that they really aren’t head-over-heals for the person who is showering them with affection, but rather, they are head-o...

“You’ve been down for days and days, but searching for another won’t fix a thing…. Nothing’s going to change until you look inside.” The Colourist, Yes Yes Every codependent has a hole in his/her heart. We’re like human doughnuts and unfortunately, the hole is often large and gaping. Just as unfortunately we tend to be as confused about how the hole developed as we are about how to fill it. To make matters worse, we rarely focus on how the hole did develop. All of our attention is focused on filling the hole, and the only sensible way most of us can see to fill the hole is from outside ourselves. So we find ourselves endlessly “searching for another” to fix the hole in our hearts. And most any codependent can rattle off a long list of names—all of people that they used to fill the hole and none of whom were able to truly fill it. Guy after guy, or girl after girl, we have attempted to stuff them inside our empty spaces. When one guy or girl didn’t fit, we figured ...

“Love yourself And the rest will follow.” Don Miguel Ruiz    Kindness is an act of acceptance and of love. Whenever we acknowledge our weaknesses and personal brokenness and treat ourselves with kindness we are loving ourselves. Kindness is the healing ointment we cover our hearts and souls with in order to better recover from our self-loathing.    Practicing kindness means we replace our stinging, hurtful self-talk with gentle, compassionate self-talk. It means that we work on sympathizing with and thus better understanding ourselves— and the fact that we are flawed, or perfectly imperfect, just as EVERYONE IS! Kindness is the process by which we reclaim our wounded self-love.    In recovery, there’s great importance to understanding that we are ALL in the same dilemma; that we all suffer from inner-brokenness. First, it helps us to be less critical of ourselves when we truly acknowledge that no one is perfect. Second, the more we pr...