Soulshine

How true. If we are lonely, we will attract lonely people. If we are mentally and emotionally needy, we will attract mentally and emotionally needy people. If w e are addicts, we attract other people with addictive problems. If we accept and love ourselves just as we are, if we are mentally/emotionally/spiritually healthy, we will likewise attract people who love themselves well and are mentally/emotionally/spiritually healthy too. We attract what we are. So if you want to know why you often attract the wrong people, look inside yourself and see where you need to change and grow in self-love.

“(Beside me) Need your lovin' here beside me (To guide me) Keep it close enough to guide me (Inside of me) From the fears that are inside of me You're the biggest part of me.” Ambrosia, The Biggest Part of Me (1980) I always loved the song “The Biggest Part of Me” by Ambrosia. It fed my codependent neediness; the belief that someone else could fill me up and make me Ok by being the biggest part of me. I used to believe that I needed to lose myself in someone else; that I needed to become less of me and more of them and then life would be paradise. And I thought that this process was all part of falling in love. But I’ve learned that codependents don’t fall in love, they fall into addictive attraction. Believing that someone else can become the biggest part of me is an insane addictive obsession. Sometimes addictive attraction is totally one-sided and sometimes it’s mutual—at least early on. More often than not, a person with an addictive personality is a...

“In order to protect our emotional wounds, and because of our fear of being hurt, humans create something very sophisticated in the mind: a big denial system… We put up these barriers for protection, to keep other people away.” Don Miguel Ruiz , The Mastery of Love We can be in recovery for many years and wonder if we are ever going to get relationships right. Most of us have been so emotionally stunted and unavailable for so long that we have developed an intense drive for intimacy NOW. We are deflated inside and desperate to be touched, cuddled and passionate to the 100 th degree. We bounce between being depressed and being anxious about our inability to have intimacy with another person. So let’s honestly look at ourselves for a moment. If we did indeed emotionally shutdown as children, we long ago lost touch with our vast realm of God-given emotions. We have most likely spent our entire lives in-touch with two feelings: numbness and anger. If feelings of real int...

“I gotta new life You would hardly recognize me, I'm so glad How could a person like me care for you? Why do I bother When you're not the one for me Ooooo, is enough, enough? For so many years I've wondered who you are How could a person like you bring me joy? I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign and it opened up my mind! And I am happy now living without you I've left you I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign.” Lyrics from The Sign by Ace of Base In every codependent relationship we have ever been in, we have seen “The Sign” of addictive attraction. It pops up before our faces and flashes like neon across our blinded-by-addiction eyes; and, of course, we choose to ignore it. There are many warning signs that pop-up from the moment we find ourselves being emotionally or romantically drawn to a toxic person. These signs are sometimes referred to as Red Flags, and they exist for a reason. They are present...