“The Sign” of Addictive Attraction

“I gotta new life
You would hardly recognize me, I'm so glad
How could a person like me care for you?
Why do I bother
When you're not the one for me
Ooooo, is enough, enough?
For so many years I've wondered who you are
How could a person like you bring me joy?
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes
I saw the sign and it opened up my mind!
And I am happy now living without you
I've left you
I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes

I saw the sign.”

Lyrics from The Sign by Ace of Base

In every codependent relationship we have ever been in, we have seen “The Sign” of addictive attraction. It pops up before our faces and flashes like neon across our blinded-by-addiction eyes; and, of course, we choose to ignore it.

There are many warning signs that pop-up from the moment we find ourselves being emotionally or romantically drawn to a toxic person. These signs are sometimes referred to as Red Flags, and they exist for a reason. They are present to tell us that we are making a big mistake by following through on our addictive attraction to an emotionally unavailable, or otherwise toxic person.

Here are some of the Signs of addictive attraction that I have been able to recognize. They used to be the lasso that looped around me and pulled me into unhealthy relationships. But now they are the very distinct warning signs that tell me right away that this particular person that I am finding so likeable is actually no good for me. So let’s look at them:

Neediness—This was a big one for me. I’d meet someone and immediately I’d pick-up on just how needy this person was. Usually I was attracted to those people who were needy in every way. They were emotionally needy, spiritually needy, physically needy and mentally needy. They were desperate for someone to rescue then from themselves and to meet every little need they had that they weren’t willing to meet for themselves. And believe me, in the height of my codependency, I would have wiped their noses for them!!! Ooooo, enough is enough, to paraphrase Ace of Base! Boy am I glad those days are past me!

Whining/Victim Mentality—I also loved the ones who complained about every little thing. Sometimes we refer to these people as perpetual victims or as martyrs. For these people, life was an endless series of disappointments, betrayals, problems and whining, whining, whining. The more they whined, the more I felt empowered to be able to fix them. Big mistake!

Emotionally Unavailable—I suppose because I never knew what was going on inside of my emotionally unavailable parents, I became attracted to people who were equally unwilling to open-up and share who they were and what was going on inside of them. You can call these people the “strong, silent type,” but that’s just a sugar-coated way of saying emotionally messed-up. These people are too afraid to let anyone know who is really inside of them, and they feel threatened if you want them to be vulnerable in any way. They most often think that sex is love and that is about as emotionally available as they will ever allow themselves to be in your presence. It isn’t enough to sustain a relationship.

Drama Addict—We all know what a Drama Queen is, and the term applies to anyone who constantly needs to have chaos in their daily life. Drama addicts thrive on living life like a soap opera. If there isn’t a problem they will create one. They are constantly on-guard for you to do or say anything that they can take offensively and then build a little soap opera around. They are very good at the Silent Treatment. Likewise, they tend to have lots of “preconceived resentments,” or expectations. They decide how you should or should not be, what you should or should not do and they force it down your throat. It all makes for great drama, but very poor relationships.

Irresponsible—Many addicts (alcoholics, for example and even some codependents) are extremely irresponsible. They are constantly in need of someone to pick-up after them. They may need someone to help clean-up their very messy apartment for them, or press their shirts for them, or loan them money, or call-in to their place of work and tell their boss that they are sick, etc, etc, etc. It’s easy for any unhealthy codependent to fall head over heals for this type of irresponsible person because unhealthy codependents need to be needed—and who could possibly need them more than a totally irresponsible addict?

If any of these SIGNS sound familiar to you, if you have seen them flashing before your face in the past, then you need to pay attention to them from now on. These signs are your ticket out of misery. They can keep you from investing a lot of time, energy and emotion into a dead-before-it-begins relationship. It’s impossible to have a lasting, happy relationship with anyone who is extremely needy, whiny, emotionally unavailable, addicted to drama or overly irresponsible. The sooner we learn this lesson, the sooner we can walk away from toxic people and begin to build good relationships with healthy people.