Soulshine

“Have you ever been hit so hard by life that you just don’t care anymore?” June Lang, Redhead (1934) Yes. I have. That’s how I feel right now: Hit so hard by life that I can’t seem to muster enough interest to care anymore. I am facing the big birthday (the one that ends in 9) before the BIG Birthday. And looking back on my life, I realize that I have never been true to myself. I’ve long been true to my mother’s image of who I should be, to society’s image of who I should be and to the church’s image of who I should be. But I have never been true to who I authentically am. And I don’t have any snappy recovery jargon to make everything rosy in light of this realization. People-pleasing to earn approval and love is so deeply ingrained in me and it has squeezed every ounce of happiness out of my life, year after year. This is true even after 20 years of recovery. I still wear the chains my mother imposed on me at age five. I’ve just never been able to shake myself free of them...

“I am ashamed because I don’t know myself right now, and I’m forty-three.” John Grant, Why Don’t You Love Me Anymore? Look around the room at any 12 Step meeting and you will see people of all age groups; from those in their late teens to those in their seventies. Of course it’s easy to sit amidst these people and compare ourselves. Maybe we are just now entering recovery and we’re 43 years old. We see people in the seats around us who are in their twenties and we immediately feel old beyond hope. Suddenly the floodgates to shame and regret fly open and we begin to drown in our self-pity. We think “Wow, how did these kids get their act together so early in life? Why did it take me so long? I wish I hadn’t wasted so much of my life caught-up in my addictions and denial. If only I would have…” You can fill in your own regrets. Go ahead, Get it off your chest—then let go of it. Everyone enters recovery with regrets. I was in my thirties when I finally hit-bottom, an...