Soulshine

“Self-judgment is the punishment you give yourself when you fail to meet your own expectations, when you fall short of what you think you are supposed to be.” Don Miguel Ruiz Jr, Living a Life of Awareness Codependents are masters of judging themselves—and others-- harshly. What we don’t understand is the process we go through in condemning ourselves and others. The process works like this: Expectation—Belief—Judgment. Somewhere along the line when we were children, adults placed expectations on us. We accepted those expectations as true and worthwhile. We came to believe in them and we also learned to judge and criticize ourselves harshly when we weren’t able to live up to these expectations/beliefs. We learned to judge ourselves in the same harsh way that the adults who imposed these expectations on us did. For example, we came home with a report card that has a “C” on it, and we were immediately scorned for having made a “C.” We were told “You are so much smarter...

“Today become aware of the beliefs to which you are attached; allow yourself to become free of them and to live as you choose.” Don Miguel Ruiz Jr, Living a Life of Awareness Many of us suffer from attachments to beliefs that serve us poorly. And we aren’t even consciously aware that our attachments to these beliefs are making us miserable. For example, we may believe that we have to find Mr. or Ms. Right in order to be happy. Or we may believe that we can’t fully accept the fact that one of our children is gay because the religion we practice won’t allow us to fully love a person who is gay. Or we may believe that we will never be lovable until we are as thin as a fashion model. These are just a handful of bad beliefs that people often get attached to. They then use these beliefs to put their lives on hold. If I am waiting on Mr. or Ms. Right to come walking along and sweep me off my feet so I can then finally be happy, I’m putting my happiness on hold indefinitely...

“We’re often not attached to the thing itself but to the idea of that thing. We have a compulsive belief that we must acquire something outside of ourselves to make us complete.” Don Miguel Ruiz Jr, Living a Life of Awareness No one wastes more time looking outside themselves for personal completion than a codependent does. Before recovery, I was vigilantly looking endlessly for the right person to complete me. I had a big empty hole inside my chest. It wasn’t visible, but I felt the unbearable emptiness of it every day. It never went away. And I had no clue how to fill it up and make myself complete—aside from finding someone else to fill the hole and complete me. Time and again, I tried foolishly to fit various people inside my empty hole. But no one ever filled it up to my satisfaction. All of them were able to calm my codependent crazies for short periods of time, but no one ever brought me lasting peace and happiness. When these various people were failing ...