Soulshine

“The more you love yourself, the more you are able to love others.” Robert Holden, Loveability In his book Loveability , Robert Holden points out the fact that at the beginning of every new relationship there is a grace period. During that initial phase “you feel so happy and so blessed to have met each other that any doubts about your loveability are temporarily suspended.” How true! Whether or not this grace period lasts depends on how we view ourselves. As Holden makes clear, it depends on whether we live by the basic truth “I am loveable,” or the basic fear “I am not lovable.” The average codependent lives by the basic fear “I am not lovable.” And so this means that our grace period in any new relationship is fairly short. It doesn’t take long for us to get inside our heads and to start feeling inferior, needy and clingy. This happens because, as Holden points out, the less we love ourselves:             -t...

“If you were raised in a family where closeness was not a reality, you are much more prone to form an addictive relationship for two reasons: first, you were taught to distance yourself from people, not connect with them; second, growing up in this type of family left you with a deep, lonely emptiness that you’ve wanted to have filled.” Craig Nakken , The Addictive Personality I grew up in a family that was emotionally and physically distant. In many ways we were like six separate people living in the same house. We were more like strangers than a family. We greeted each other in passing, but we rarely made attempts to do much with each other. Sure, we knew each other’s temperaments, and we definitely knew how to push each other’s buttons, how to evoke drama and invent chaos. We also knew how to hide from each other. We only talked when necessary and we shared—on an emotional level-- no more than we had to, mostly out of fear of abandonment. I was too afraid to reveal t...

“The greatest terror a child can have is that he is unloved,   and rejection is the hell he fears.” John Steinbeck, East of Eden The worst childhood message I received was “You are not lovable… as you are.” I never knew unconditional love. Instead I learned a conditioned love that danced to this rule “I love you when you’re good, but I don’t love you when you’re bad.” It didn’t take me long to realize that I could never be “good” all of the time and so I could never truly be loveable. From that day forward, I never felt safe. I learned that if I was good, I might receive accolades from my parents and feel somewhat acceptable and comfortable. But all it took was one wrong word or deed and I was quickly robbed of my safety and salvation through instant rejection. Parental affection was withdrawn usually through scolding or the silent treatment or a combination of both. Shame and guilt were used to shoot me down. “I am so disappointed in you…” “I am so ashamed ...