Soulshine

“(Beside me) Need your lovin' here beside me (To guide me) Keep it close enough to guide me (Inside of me) From the fears that are inside of me You're the biggest part of me.” Ambrosia, The Biggest Part of Me (1980) I always loved the song “The Biggest Part of Me” by Ambrosia. It fed my codependent neediness; the belief that someone else could fill me up and make me Ok by being the biggest part of me. I used to believe that I needed to lose myself in someone else; that I needed to become less of me and more of them and then life would be paradise. And I thought that this process was all part of falling in love. But I’ve learned that codependents don’t fall in love, they fall into addictive attraction. Believing that someone else can become the biggest part of me is an insane addictive obsession. Sometimes addictive attraction is totally one-sided and sometimes it’s mutual—at least early on. More often than not, a person with an addictive personality is a...

“I thought I was in love with you, but then I realized that I was in love with how much you were in love with me.” Anonymous The emotional neediness of many codependents drives them to lavish others with praise, gifts, attention and a false concept of love, especially in romantic relationships. Too many codependents are starved for romantic fulfillment and so it’s easy for them to overwhelm the target of their romantic affections. Initially those on the receiving end of all that romantic attention are sometimes knocked for a loop. They are so overwhelmed by all of the attention they are receiving from the codependent that they at first think that they, too, are equally head-over-heals for this person (the codependent). But once they get their feet back on the ground, they begin to get some inner-clarity. And often times they come to an understanding that they really aren’t head-over-heals for the person who is showering them with affection, but rather, they are head-o...

Clingy feelings must be the worst feelings, aside from shame and guilt. Clingy feelings are usually tied to needy thoughts like “I can’t stand to be alone with myself” or “I need you (could be anyone) to rescue me from myself and make me OK.” Codependents are very familiar with needy thoughts and clingy feelings. Prior to recovery, needy ideas and clingy feelings were pretty much the norm for me. They dominated my day—every day of the week. Recovery has allowed me to feel much more comfortable in my own skin, but occasionally clingy feelings still sneak up on me. This happened during my recent vacation. I spent a lot of time with my friend Richard over my two weeks of vacation, and for some unknown reason, needy ideas and clingy feelings began to resurface around him. Richard and I live in different states so I don’t see him that often. In the past when I’ve spent time with him I’ve enjoyed that time without feeling needy or clingy. But last month was different. I fou...