Soulshine

“You knew all along What I never wanted to say Until I learned to love myself I was never ever lovin' anybody else Happiness lies in your own hand It took me much too long To understand how it could be Until you shared your secret with me.” Madonna, Secret Until you learn to love yourself, you will never love anyone else is a “secret” that every codependent must learn, and the sooner the better. I know it seems like a vulgar idea. The very thought of loving myself seemed hopelessly twisted to me early-on in my recovery. But it is totally essential. I wasted much of my life hating me. My self-hatred kept me running from myself and into the arms of anyone who would have miserable, worthless me. It took me on an endless bad trip into the lives of countless toxic people, who also hated themselves. And that bad trip didn’t end until I realized it was impossible for two people who hate themselves to build any type of redeeming relationship. Toxic person pl...

“Express yourself, don’t repress yourself… Did I say something wrong? Ooops! I didn’t know we couldn’t talk about sex. Did I have a point of view? Ooops! I didn’t know we couldn’t talk about you.” Madonna, Human Nature Ok. So this week I’m doing therapy with Madonna. Love her or hate her, the woman knows how to write good lyrics, and many of them are centered on healthy vs. codependent behavior. Human Nature is a good example. It hits to the core of codependent behavior because many of us are terrified to express ourselves openly and honestly. As a result, we worry endlessly about saying “something wrong.” There were many times in the past when I found myself one on one with someone, or in a group, and I very much wanted to express my opinions. But I was so afraid of rejection that I’d replay what I wanted to say through my mind a million times before I got up the nerve to honestly express myself. And, more often than not, when I finally got up the nerve, the c...

“When I get lonely and I need to be Loved for who I am, not what they want to see Brothers and sisters, they've always been there for me We have a connection, home is where the heart should be.” Madonna, Keep It Together Home is where the heart should be, but, unfortunately, for many codependents that’s never been possible. Even to this day, it can be difficult for many of us to return “home” to our family of origin. After all, our childhood homes were where our hearts were crushed, slammed against walls, drained of all feeling and left to fend for themselves. Home, for many of us, was where we were severely shamed, beaten endlessly with guilt and stripped of our human dignity. Over the years, our parents may have mellowed some, but deep down they are every bit as broken as they were when we were small children. This makes “home” visits uncomfortable. We don’t have to be “home” very long before mellow gives way to manipulation and criticism. Suddenly we flashback...

“No one knows you better than you know yourself, Do the thing you want, don't wait for someone else… Don't stand in the corner waitin' for the chance, Make your own music, start your own dance… (Spotlight) Everybody is a star, you know who you are (Shine bright) This is your chance to shine It's got to come from the heart, Do it right from the start and step into the light (Spotlight)” Madonna, Spotlight (1987) Spotlight has always been one of my favorite Madonna songs. I remember back in 1987, every time I heard this song my heart really resonated with the lyrics. And certainly now I know why: They were speaking directly to me, telling me it was time to get my act together, to get out of my corner, take ownership of my life and to step into the Spotlight as the star of my own life.   At the time, I was wasting my life standing on the sidelines, afraid to be me. I was mostly hiding from the world and yet I was also hoping and waitin...

“Happiness lies in your own hand.” Madonna, Secret Back in 1994, Madonna passed on some great wisdom in her mega-hit single “Secret.” Unfortunately, as much as I liked the song at the time, I didn’t get the message. Or I didn’t want to get it. I find most people don’t like the idea that happiness is in their own hands. They prefer to think that happiness lies outside of themselves; that it can only be found in the hands of someone else; and that they have to struggle to find that someone who has the power to make them happy. There’s a romanticism to this idea that a perfect person is going to come along and sweep you away to mythical happiness. Or that some great spiritual guru is going to provide you with the long lost “secret” to possessing authentic lifelong happiness. But there’s no reality to either concept. No one can give you what you already have within your own grasp—within your very hands. Accepting the fact that happiness lies within our own hands seems too challenging ...

“Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone, I hear you call my name and it feels like home. When you call my name it's like a little prayer…” Madonna, Like A Prayer What is prayer? Prayer is conscious contact with Mystery. Prayer is a heartbeat, a spoken word, a thought that transcends from you into the greater Mystery of the Universe; into the Eternal Power that is beyond human control. Prayer is the universal spiritual connection between your soul and mine. As a prayer, I can speak or call your name from many miles away, allow it to arise through the air and gently float away with the wind, across time and space, on the breath of Eternal Mystery, from my heart to yours. And when I mix your name with other beautiful words like “love,” “blessings,” “peace” and “healing,” my prayer becomes a spiritual bouquet that lights up your heart and brings you warmth from within your soul. Prayer can be a single spoken name of a loved one or it can be a litany of names: Richard, Jean, Ma...