Soulshine

“You saved Richard Callahan’s life. You can’t live it for him.” Helen Pryor, American Dreams There’s an episode of the TV series American Dreams where Jack Pryor is attending a reunion with his Navy buddies. It’s late 1963. It’s been 20 years since these men served together during World War II. One of the guys who shows-up for the reunion is Richard Callahan. Jack saved Richard’s life during the war. But, since that time, Richard hadn’t done much with his life. We learn that Richard is an alcoholic, divorced twice and he’s been unable to keep a job for very long. During the episode, he actually looks like a dead man walking, like a zombie. Richard feels guilty to be alive. Jack had two buddies injured in the same attack and he had to make a choice about who to save. The other man had insisted that he was OK and had told Jack to go help Richard. He died while Jack was saving Richard. Richard is portrayed as a man who has never felt like his life was worth living fr...

“Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date,” asks Charlie. Mr. Anderson pauses briefly, then responds, “Well… We accept the love we think we deserve.” The Perks of Being a Wallflower, 2012 The film The Perks of Being a Wallflower is all about people (high schoolers to be exact) who think they don’t deserve love. Charlie, Sam, Patrick, Mary Elizabeth, Brad, Ponytail Derek: None of these people think they are deserving of real love. Charlie was sexually abused as a child by his Aunt Helen. She died in a tragic car accident as she was on her way to buy five year old Charlie a birthday present. He blames himself for her death and for the fact that she abused him. Sam was also sexually abused as a child by her father’s business partner. Since that time she has accepted sex from every creep who would have her.   Patrick is Sam’s gay step-brother. It’s the 1980s and being gay isn’t as acceptable as it is today. Patrick is bold enough to b...

Who are you responsible for rescuing in this life? NO ONE except yourself. Unless you are a firefighter, a police officer, an emergency medical worker or a hazmat worker, you are not responsible—or capable—of rescuing anyone from any tragedy or life-threatening situation. So get over the fact that you are not a superhero. God never made you responsible for saving everyone in your little world. Somehow, some way you made yourself into the savior of the world. And you can relinquish the title at any time to its rightful owner: God. Any compulsion you have to rescue your significant other, your children, siblings, parents, friends, coworkers—or anyone—from themselves or their problems is a misguided illusion. Surrender them all to God and allow God to do for them what you have absolutely no ability to do—rescue them. Listen to them, validate their feelings and help them to feel loved, but don’t dawn your superhero cape. Don’t make their problems your problems. Don’t bail ...

It’s pretty foreign for an active (non-recovering) codependent to focus on their own personal problems. Active codependents have been trained to focus outside of themselves. So an active codependent often lives to solve the problems of other people. In this way active codependents live vicariously through the lives of others. It’s how they (the codependent) avoid taking responsibility for living their own lives. Typically, if someone, say a friend, comes to an active codependent with problems, the codependent will immediately feel the need to “own” their friend’s issues. And they (the codependent) will do just that. He or she will take on their friend's problems as if they were his or hers to solve. For example, a friend comes to you with money problems. He’s completely overextended himself financially and he’s in a panic. He can’t pay his mortgage this month, he’s in arrears on his credit card payments, his utilities have been cut-off and he’s now being hounded by collec...