Are You a Pursuer or a Distancer?
In her book Conquering Shame and Codependency , Darlene Lancer says that some codependents are Pursuers and some are Distancers . Pursuers will do anything to be loved because they find it too painful to be alone. As soon as they are attracted to someone, Pursuers find themselves already thinking of merging with this person and becoming a couple. Prior to recovery, Pursuers rarely think in terms of meeting their own needs for love by better loving themselves. Instead, their focus is on finding love and validation through a partner. Receiving love makes them feel worthwhile and promises to ease the pain of past rejection and self-alienation. The problem most Pursuers run up against is their own personal neediness, which leads them to smother their partners. Smothering begins with giving total attention to the partner (often a Distancer). Initially, the partner may love all of the attention and love that is lavished upon them, but eventually they realize it comes with many...