Soulshine

    Even if we have been in recovery for years, it’s still easy to fall back into the codependent crazies if we aren’t practicing strict awareness. We meet someone new and we may initially feel nothing special about this person. We like them and we enjoy seeing them. But as time passes we can suddenly catch ourselves thinking more and more about them, daydreaming about being with them, wanting to buy things for them, feeling empty and deprived when they aren’t around, wondering about what they are doing—in other words obsessing about them. When we feel the inner-turmoil of obsessing endlessly about the other person, we have fallen back into the codependent crazies and we are out of control. The painful feelings of obsessive love are a warning sign: they can lift the veil of denial and bring us back to reality. If, at this point, we truly open our inner-eyes we now have a choice: we can continue down the insane path of the codependent crazies by keeping our focus solely a...

Recovery has taught me the difference between codependent love and authentic love. And the difference is eye-opening. For most of my life, all I knew was a codependent love; one in which I “loved” others for the sole purpose of being loved back by them. This codependent love I experienced was filled with anxiety, neediness, insecurity, manipulation, fear, unreasonable expectations, fear of abandonment and the constant urge to cling desperately to the person I “loved.” It was horrible. And it was not love. Love and codependence cannot coexist with each other. They are polar opposites. If we reach out to others from a deep, dark needy emptiness within ourselves, it is not love we are attempting to share. It’s a desperate cry for intimacy, for a sense of belonging with another person, but it is not love. It is codependence. And codependence always has strings attached. It is strictly self-serving. Authentic love flows freely. It does not arise from a deep, dark, needy place ...

I remember talking with someone who was feeling smothered in her relationship with a man. The man had moved in with her and they were even contemplating marriage. But she started feeling trapped. Every time she wanted to do something without him, like get together with friends or even go to a support group meeting, her boyfriend was upset. He felt threatened by anyone outside of the two of them, and would go so far as to say things like “Why do you need to talk with him?” or “Why do you need to hang-out with her? We only need each other. We don’t need anyone else in our lives.” In other words, this boyfriend was extremely needy, fearful and codependent. So I explained to her that his behavior and statements were huge red flags. For whatever reason, he was not giving love to himself, so he had made her his sole source of love. As a result, he was sucking every bit of love, attention and life out of her. And apparently his neediness was so great that he needed her 24/7. This great ...

“Let people go by releasing your neediness for their love.  Love yourself instead!” David Elliott, Healing I have often wanted people to give me the love that I felt my parents did not give me. It seems it’s that maternal/paternal wound that often haunts us well into adulthood. We may be grown men or women but we still ache inside for the love we were denied as small children: We want to be told “I love you;” we want to be held and hugged; we want to feel the warmth of a mother’s or father’s love. And, unfortunately, we often project this need (or neediness) onto others. More often than not, the people we choose to project our need for maternal/paternal love onto are equally as emotionally unavailable to us as our moms and dads were. We subconsciously choose men and women whose personalities resemble those of our parents. Then we proceed in trying to secure from these people the love we were unable to receive from our parents. And nine times out of 10 our success rate ...

“Darla repeatedly phoned the man she was dating despite his objections. The rejection she received validated her preexisting feelings of abandonment, unworthiness and anger at men.” Darlene Lancer , Conquering Shame and Codependency Codependency leads many of us into self-sabotaging behaviors. I remember a time when I felt so needy inside, so unworthy to even exist, that I thought I was going to die if I didn’t have someone validate my worth to even breathe air. At that time, I had just latched-on to a new “best” friend. Sometimes I felt like his lap dog. I needed him to constantly pat me on the head, tell me I was OK and reassure me that I was a good person and that he liked me. If I got that affirmation from him in the morning, it might last me all day, maybe even a couple of days, before I needed to have a new avalanche of affirmation about my worth. I do remember days, though, where once a day wasn’t enough. I needed affirmation after breakfast, after lunch, lat...

“You're a needy girl, I can tell when I look in your big brown eyes. You want my world, but how can I do yours if I can't do mine? …It's all about what you want, what you say, how you feel, how you play the game. You're a needy girl, and you want my world. I try to change, knowing it's not the same. (Phone conversation) "Hello? Hey what's up baby? Yeah, I'm in the studio right now, I'll call you later. Nah, I really can't talk right now, I'll just call you back, alright? I-I can't talk right now, I'll just call you later. Yo, what? Yo, I can't, look.. Yo, whatever!" Chromeo, Needy Girl (2004) Needy isn’t attractive. And yes, when we are feeling needy, someone can look into our big brown eyes and see the neediness. We project it. We project insecurity, emotional and physical deprivation, desperation, anxiety and the intense need for immediate gratification. We may even look like an extremely distrau...

“When you make someone your source of love, they will also be a source of pain.” Robert Holden , Loveability Most every codependent knows the horrors of attachment and dependency. An active codependent can easily attach to any person who shows the slightest bit of interest in him/her. The hope is that this is the person who is going to make me feel lovable and acceptable—FINALLY! He/she is going to love me into being OK with myself and we will live happily ever after because I’m going to meet his/her every wish and need and vice-versa! So the codependent attaches him/herself to the other person almost literally. Every thought, every hope, every dream, every moment revolves around this one person who has been thrust into the role of eternal savior. The attachment then leads to a strong dependency upon the other person. As the attachment/dependency grows, the initial fascination and joy turn into a deep aching to constantly be in contact with the other person. Fear an...