Soulshine

Anyone in recovery is most likely suffering from the wounds caused by toxic parents. Toxic parents are those who shame, belittle, embarrass, humiliate and abuse their children. Abuse can include mental, emotional, physical and sexual. Many of us, when we first enter recovery, are inwardly blind to the fact that our parents were indeed toxic. We say things like “Oh, sure my Dad beat me sometimes, but it was for my own good,” or “Yeah, my Mom used the silent treatment and withheld affection to get what she wanted from me, but she was just doing it for my own good.” We use denial to minimalize the painful and damaging treatment we received from our parents. Recovery is all about getting past the denial. Pain is pain. Suffering is suffering. There’s no minimalizing it. When I first entered recovery and heard other people’s stories I often said to myself “Well, I never suffered anything that bad.” In doing so I minimalized and continued to repress my inner-pain. I lied to myself a...

“Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date,” asks Charlie. Mr. Anderson pauses briefly, then responds, “Well… We accept the love we think we deserve.” The Perks of Being a Wallflower, 2012 The film The Perks of Being a Wallflower is all about people (high schoolers to be exact) who think they don’t deserve love. Charlie, Sam, Patrick, Mary Elizabeth, Brad, Ponytail Derek: None of these people think they are deserving of real love. Charlie was sexually abused as a child by his Aunt Helen. She died in a tragic car accident as she was on her way to buy five year old Charlie a birthday present. He blames himself for her death and for the fact that she abused him. Sam was also sexually abused as a child by her father’s business partner. Since that time she has accepted sex from every creep who would have her.   Patrick is Sam’s gay step-brother. It’s the 1980s and being gay isn’t as acceptable as it is today. Patrick is bold enough to b...

“Yes, he had the power to abuse me, but he doesn’t have the power to make me a victim.” Craig Nakken, Finding Your Moral Compass Everyone has been abused someway, somehow. But there’s a difference between being abused and being a victim. If someone had the power to abuse us, we were certainly victimized. But we didn’t become victims unless we chose to do so. People who become victims choose to lay down before others and become their doormats. In other words, when I choose to give away my personal power, I choose to become a victim of others, of life or of the world. Anytime we have been abused, we find healing in grieving and we find freedom in forgiveness. By grieving our loss and by choosing to forgive the person who has abused us, we regain our self-respect, our dignity and our lives. We are then able to move forward as people better prepared to face the harsh realities of life. Throughout this process, our ability to heal, forgive and move forward have been made pos...