Soulshine

  When we realize that we have re-engaged in unhealthy relationships, we have at least two choices: We can detach, cut the other person off and play the blame game. We can make every mistake their fault and choose to dislike or even hate them. Or we can choose to realize that we are both broken inside, that we both made mistakes and we can detach with love. Detaching with love is necessary. We can't rightfully blame the other person for everything that went wrong in the relationship. It truly takes two to tango. So we have to be willing to admit to our own mistakes and to admit that under the other person's brokenness, we did see beauty in their soul. Sometimes it's also necessary to detach with love because we are making spiritual/recovery progress and the other person isn't. We can't force anyone to be willing to work at recovery and to be wiling to fix themselves. And we cannot fix them. There have been many times when I've heard friends sa...

   Learning to love ourselves by facing our feelings, embracing them and accepting them is a major step toward healthy living. Once we take that step, we will find that it is only the first of many necessary changes we will be making in our lives. These changes will all bring about positive results, but none of these changes will be easy.    One of the most difficult changes we will need to make will involve our relationships with others. Like Gwen (Sandra Bullock) in the film 28 Days , we will find that some of our old friends and lovers are toxic for us. After Gwen left treatment, there was little doubt that she’d have to let go of her old lifestyle and all of those who are still living addictively if she wanted to remain sober.    Gwen does what she has to do concerning Jasper, her fiancé. She walks away from the relationship, but she does so without animosity. In other words, Gwen detaches from Jasper with love. She’s not angry with him and she do...

There is a big difference between detachment and disinterest. Many people who suffer from codependency confuse these two terms. Active codependents are so enmeshed in the lives of others that they don’t know where they end and those they are caretaking begin. For the most part, active codependents cast their own problems aside as they choose to own the problems of the people they have taken hostage. The active codependent feels responsible for owning, moaning and groaning over and solving the problems of others. They mistakenly believe that it is their responsibility to rescue others from their problems and that by rescuing others they will rescue themselves from being loveless. In recovery, codependents learn that they need to be responsible for their lives and no one else’s life. This means that we have to learn to separate ourselves from the people we have become enmeshed in. We need to come to an understanding about life-ownership. We are the stewards of our lives—only—an...

Sometimes we take another person hostage within our hearts. Subconsciously, we want this person to give us something. And that something is usually the same something we wanted and needed our mothers or fathers to give us, like love, approval, affirmation, warmth or a sense of belonging. Mom and Dad weren’t able to give us these things. For whatever reason, they didn’t have them to give. And more often than not, the persons that we tend to take hostage in our hearts are exactly like Mom and Dad. They are equally unable to give us what we want and need because they don’t have it to give. The problem is that we rarely understand this. We don’t get it that the very people we are most attracted to are the very people who are most like our emotionally unavailable parents. This doesn’t mean that they aren’t good people. They may be kind, attentive and generous in other ways, but when it comes to what we really need from them—love and affirmation—their wellsprings have long been dry....