Soulshine

“Nothing changes until you do.” Mike Robbins Deeply engrained in codependent thinking is “everyone else needs to change and it’s my job to see that they do.” God knows that before I entered recovery that was my entire philosophy on life. There was good reason for it. I had been taught from an early age to always look outside myself to find happiness. And finding happiness outside of myself meant that I needed to control life, including everyone and everything. It didn’t take long to realize that it was easier to control things than it was to control people. And this marked the beginning of my addictively acting out with things. After all, a chocolate chip cookie can’t scream “Don’t eat me!” Food has no power to stop us from over-consuming it as a means of seeking false happiness. The same is true for alcohol or any other substance. Likewise, clothes in department stores can’t stop us from buying them as a false means of alleviating our self-loathing. Controlling things ...

“You’ve been down for days and days, but searching for another won’t fix a thing…. Nothing’s going to change until you look inside.” The Colourist, Yes Yes Every codependent has a hole in his/her heart. We’re like human doughnuts and unfortunately, the hole is often large and gaping. Just as unfortunately we tend to be as confused about how the hole developed as we are about how to fill it. To make matters worse, we rarely focus on how the hole did develop. All of our attention is focused on filling the hole, and the only sensible way most of us can see to fill the hole is from outside ourselves. So we find ourselves endlessly “searching for another” to fix the hole in our hearts. And most any codependent can rattle off a long list of names—all of people that they used to fill the hole and none of whom were able to truly fill it. Guy after guy, or girl after girl, we have attempted to stuff them inside our empty spaces. When one guy or girl didn’t fit, we figured ...

A major problem for most codependents is where they place their focus. Unfortunately, most of us were taught as children to place our focus outside of ourselves. And as a result, we developed a stifling emptiness inside of our souls. The day we began to look outside of ourselves for fulfillment was the day that a hole ate through our hearts. It was the day we chose to abandon ourselves. And so we began the quest of finding someone, anyone, to fill up the emptiness we anxiously felt. Day after day we took up the quest to find love and approval outside of ourselves. We looked to mom and dad, siblings, grandparents, friends and teachers to give us the validation that we no longer knew how to give to ourselves. Sometimes we received the approval we sought, but if never managed to fill-up the emptiness of the hole that was rapidly expanding inside of us. As we grew into being teenagers and young adults, we began to feel overwhelmed with the landfill that was expanding insi...