Soulshine

I recently had someone tell me he has a hard time asking for help. He said “Every time I want to ask someone for help, I think to myself ‘they probably don’t even really like me anyway, so why would they want to help me?” When he finished his sentence, I pointed out to him “It’s not that they don’t like you; it’s that you don’t like you. And you’re projecting your own dislike of yourself onto other people, assuming that they see you the same way you see yourself.” He looked stunned for a moment, but then said “You’re right.” If we see ourselves as basically unlikeable and treat ourselves like we aren’t worthy of love, or friendship or help, we end up projecting our poor self-worth onto everyone in our lives. We reach a point where we believe that everyone sees us in the same negative light that we see ourselves. This is a primary reason why it is often so hard to ask others for help, or to believe that other people really care about us. In her book Conquering...

Freedom from shame means being “on our guard” or aware of our feelings at all times. It means being able to catch ourselves when we are being swept down a dark alley of emotional pain fueled by shame. When we are aware of our shameful feelings, we are able to make a powerful choice between addictive acting out, or facing the feelings. When we choose to face the feelings, we can challenge the ugly thoughts that fuel them, and we can take our personal power back from shame. Facing our feelings requires that we be “courageous” enough to embrace them. It also requires that we be “strong” enough to ask for the help we may need to feel safe enough to fully recover our personal power. We know that help is available to us. We can seek help through our Higher Power and we can seek help from family and friends that we are able to trust. We can also seek help through professionals, like therapist, spiritual directors or clergy, and we can seek help through support groups. If we are ...

“Yeah, tired of chasing old dreams, tired of wasting days Tired of waking mornings just to wait for you till late Tired of searching high, tired of getting low Tired of listening hard just to wait for you to know that I want you in everything In everything, in anything I do When will you make my phone ring And tell me I can't give you anything Anything at all now?” Deacon Blue, When Will You Make My Telephone Ring? (1988) One of the darkest days of my life involved being laid-off from a job. It was devastating, totally out of the blue. I never felt so numb in my life. Denial kicked-in, but it couldn’t mask the obvious questions that still ached through my mind: What am I gonna do? How will I pay my bills? What if I can’t find another job any time soon? I felt empty and void inside as I headed home that day. I was in a fog and felt like I was moving through each moment in slow motion. Once I got home, I flopped down into a chair and stared at my telephone...

Most codependents have trouble saying “NO.” We allow ourselves to be put-upon. In fact, we often invite it. People learn quickly that we can’t say “No” to them or anyone. And so we develop a reputation. People know exactly who to look for if they need something done that they don’t want to do themselves. So they come and seek us out. They say “Were is that foolish little codependent?” as they scheme in their heads a new way to manipulate us into doing what they want. Sometimes they ask directly, but many times all they have to do is breathe a heavy sigh and tell us their dilemma. Once we hear that they need some type of help, many of us just jump right in and volunteer to be their victim without them even having to formally ask us. We sacrifice ourselves all for the purpose of pleasing them and reassuring ourselves that they will remain our friend. Obviously, we need to develop a new definition of friendship! And part of that definition means learning to set boundaries. S...

I have said before that expectations are preconceived resentments. This is a lesson that many codependents need to learn over and over again. After all, we are good at assembling numerous expectations in our heads, primarily about what other people should or should not be doing. It’s habitual behavior and we need to be aware of our tendency to fall into the Preconceived Resentment Trap. It’s January and in the United States it’s cold and flu season. If I come down with a cold or flu, it’s easy for me to not want to be responsible for myself. After all, we codependents aren’t masters of taking good care of ourselves to begin with, and so it’s easy for us to shift our expectations toward everyone else in the family. So let’s say we have a cold. We’re sniffling and coughing, feeling achy and miserable and wanting someone to rescue us. We notice a pain in our throat, and we realize that we don’t have anymore cough drops. So we sigh and think how wonderful it would be if our s...