Soulshine

“I want a Higher Love that makes me feel unconditionally loved, heard, validated, and cared about at all times. I want a Higher Love that comforts me and makes me feel valuable. I want a Love so great that I feel safe, warm and cared about always.” I originally prayed these words last Friday. As the day progressed, I felt myself changing gently inside. Traffic in Los Angeles was horrific on Friday, so I decided against going back to Hollywood. Instead I went back to Knott’s Berry Farm to walk through the shops. I wanted to get something for the friends who have hosted me here, allowing me to stay with them. I found some nice things in one of the shops. The clerk who waited on me sent someone to get a gift box and it took considerable time for the person to return with the box. She (the clerk) was feeling the pressure, since we Americans are so impatient. But I wasn’t. In the past I would have felt impatient and anxious. I would have been agitated and mad. Friday I was at pea...

You can’t force feelings. It’s my birthday and I know I’m supposed to be happy, but I’m really feeling sad today. First of all, I’m way past the age of being happy about being another year older. And secondly, I don’t have the love and the other heart and soul necessities that I need to feel happy about facing another year. I spent the past couple of days with a really good friend, whom I love a lot, and we’ve had a really good time hitting the amusement parks in Los Angeles. I appreciate his friendship and the fun times and I am grateful for both. This friend even helped to maneuver a surprise birthday party for me yesterday. He’s a really precious person—and I’d probably be feeling even sadder today without his friendship. But I still feel a deep, deep sadness that isn’t going away. I think rationally that I shouldn’t be feeling this way and I don’t want to be feeling this way. Unfortunately, I know why I’m feeling this way:   I feel so stuck in a life that ...

I’m not sure I know what it’s like to feel fully alive. It’s scary to think of experiencing a moment to the fullest; to actually 100 percent feel the pain, the ecstasy, the thrill, the turbulence of any given moment. I hadn’t been conscious of my fear of being fully alive in the moment until last Wednesday. I was at Knott’s Berry Farm in Los Angeles with a friend of mine named Richard—who we also affectionately refer to as Bubba. For those who don’t know, Knott’s Berry Farm is an amusement park in Southern California. Both Bubba and I like rollercoasters, and so the first ride we jumped on was the Silver Bullet, one of the best rollercoasters in my opinion. It scared me so much that I don’t think I had my eyes open more than a couple of seconds here and there. And this was evident in the picture that was snapped of Bubba and me on the ride. My eyes are closed tight and the expression on my face is even tighter. I look like I’m taking a really painful dump! Bubba, however, ha...