Soulshine

“Is it the facts you want about my daughter, or Lisa’s fancies? Charlotte was a late child. There were three boys and then, after a long time, this girl. A child of my old age, I’ve always called her… my ugly duckling. Of course it’s true that all late children are marked.” Mrs. Vale, Now Voyager (1942) Sometimes a child is negatively marked or branded by a parent. Sometimes a mom, who has always felt ugly, sees too many of her own hated physical features in a particular daughter; or sometimes a dad, who has always felt stupid, sees too many of his personality traits in a particular son. These parents project their own self-loathing onto their children. Mom brands the daughter who looks like her “my ugly duckling” and dad brands the son who just can’t seem to get a math equation right “you stupid numbskull!” If these children then accept these labels (lies) as valid, they will brand themselves with them. Every time the daughter looks in the mirror she will repea...

Codependency robs us of our personal power. When we are shamed as children into believing that we aren’t good enough, we begin the process of giving our personal power away to others. We make others who are “good enough” into our false higher powers, and we mistakenly think that only they can rescue us from our lovelessness. As a result, we lose all sense of ownership over our lives and we fail to develop proper boundaries with others. As soon as our focus centers on pleasing people to gain approval, we give all of our personal power away to others. We also give them complete power over our feelings about ourselves. If they offer us crumbs of approval we may feel some value or self-worth. But if they withhold their approval, or worse yet, slap us with disapproval, we may feel like we are worthless and completely unlovable. Personal empowerment is all about learning to take responsibility for loving ourselves. It’s about making the conscious choice to declare “I am lovable...

If you are going to say anything to yourself today, say “I Am loveable.” There are no truer words. Repeat them to yourself over and over until you believe them-- because what you believe you become. The truth is you are lovable whether you know it or not. You are the stardust of Universal Love itself. Each and every one of us is created from God particles. We are all formed by the hands of a Higher Power who fills us with the eternal energy that is Love. So remember, when you finally believe you are lovable, you will be lovable not only to yourself, but to everyone who has the eyes to see the beauty that you radiate. You project onto others what you believe about yourself. Once you choose to love who you are and to project your lovability to the world around you, people (the right people, that is) will respond to you in loving, accepting ways and life-giving ways. “I Am lovable,” “I Am lovable.” “I Am lovable”—say it until you believe it!

I feel like I’m shedding my skin—the old, false me skin. I’m shedding the false skin of “I’m shit and no one could love me.” I’m shedding the skin of false devotionalism and false Catholicism. I’m shedding the skin of I’m too old, or I’m too fat or I’m too whatever (fill in the blank). And most importantly I’m shedding the skin that is scarred by years and years of fears. It’s not easy. Fear is so powerful. But as soon as I put my head in its mouth, I find I have all of the power that fear pretends to have. Are you shedding your skin today? How? What are you doing to shed your false self? Hopefully you’re using powerful, positive I AM statements. I found a neat little shop in Long Beach called Fern’s Garden. There I came across some great pewter I AM bracelets. Mine says “I am awesome I am.” It has a puzzle piece on it to symbolize that I am part of the Universe; a part of the mystery; an essential part that is awesome. When I feel like I’m slipping into old thought patterns,...

“Faith is the willingness to enter into the experience of the unknown with the full acceptance that whatever becomes known will be perfect for you and your journey of life.” Howard Falco, I AM I find that many people define faith as believing in a God who will do for them exactly what they want and demand. We pray that a job interview will go really well and that we’ll get the job. We have faith that God will see to it that all goes exactly the way we want . Then it doesn’t. Suddenly our faith dissolves into disappointment and anger, and we may find ourselves turning our backs on prayer and God for letting us down. If this experience sounds familiar to you in any way about anything you’ve ever prayed for and failed to receive, then you need a new definition of faith. Faith is not about getting what I want. Faith is about believing that God will always do what’s best or perfect for me and my life’s journey. Howard Falco’s definition of faith hits the nail on the head. ...

“I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt. I’m, I’m, I’m too sexy!” Right Said Fred I often encourage people to alter their morning ritual. I suggest that they make one little adjustment when they approach their bathroom mirror. Before shaving or applying makeup I tell them to sing a chorus of   “I’m Too Sexy for My Shirt.” And as soon as I make this suggestion, everyone does what you just did: They laugh out loud—or at the very least they allow a little smile to steal across their faces. In recovery, it’s important to be able to laugh at yourself. We codependents tend to take life way too seriously. We ruminate over our feelings of emptiness and worthlessness. Some mornings it almost seems unbearable to look at ourselves in the mirror. We’re sick of our self-loathing and our self-imposed loneliness. And a good way to rise above all of our gloom is to be able to laugh at ourselves. More importantly, if we stand in front of our mirrors and sing “I’m Too Se...

“Your Actions always speak louder than your words. If you want to see the beliefs you are truly operating out of in this world, just look at your current actions.” Howard Falco, I AM Maybe we’ve met someone new; someone we feel an instant positive connection with; someone who puts a smile on our face because we experience wonderful feelings bubbling up inside of us as we talk with this person. The experience is mutual and the beginning of a new relationship, a new friendship is breaking across the horizon of our lives. We’re excited about this fateful meeting between our two souls. We want this new relationship, or so we tell ourselves. We also indicate through our smile and our words to the other that we want to move forward with him/her. Everything is bright and positive. We talk on the phone. We email each other. We get together… Then reality sets in. It’s the ugly reality of whom we’ve always believed ourselves to be: Mr. Unworthy. Ms. Pitiful. All of the old head-tapes of “I a...

“I am the greatest!” Muhammad Ali In his book I AM , Howard Falco points out that Muhammad Ali declared himself the greatest boxer before he ever established that fact in the boxing ring. It’s Falco’s theory that Ali became the world’s greatest boxer because he believed himself to be the greatest. And Falco bases this theory in his personal belief that the purpose of the ego is to reinforce- and ultimately make real—whatever we believe about ourselves. I agree with Falco’s theory. Certainly in my own life, I have become the sum of my thoughts—of my I Am statements—which were too often self-negating. Throughout my life, my brain has been a vast sewer of negative I Am thoughts: I am not good enough, I am ugly, I am boring, I am stupid, I am bad, I am a disgrace, I am unworthy, I am unlovable… The list could go on and on. By the time I entered grade school I was already paralyzed by these thoughts. All of the wonderment, excitement and breath of life had been knocked out of me by what ...

“You always seek to experience what you believe about yourself.” Howard Falco, I AM Codependent behavior is an excellent example of how people subconsciously seek to experience what they believe about themselves. It’s well understood that the source of codependency, or any addictive behavior, is poor self-love/self-esteem. People who believe they are worthless or less-than will always seek to experience and validate their worthlessness or their feelings of inadequacy.   And as Howard Falco points out in I AM , they will seek to fulfill their beliefs about themselves in every facet of their lives; be it love, career, personal, etc. The vast majority of people suffering from codependency are starved for affection and intimacy. They don’t believe they’re worthy of love, however, and so they are willing to settle for whatever or whoever comes along. A codependent may be attracted to an attractive healthy person, but they will dismiss the possibility that this person cou...