Soulshine

“If these Christians want me to believe in their god, they’ll have to sing me better songs; they’ll have to look more like people who have been saved; they’ll have to wear on their countenance the joy of the beatitudes. I could only believe in a god who dances.” Friedrich Nietzsche In recovery it’s important to know a Higher Power, or God, who dances. We need a Higher Power who smiles when we rise in the morning, who understands when we’re frustrated, who offers empathy when we hurt inside, and who loves us no matter how bad our behavior has been throughout the day. And we need a Higher Power who will love us to sleep each night no matter how bad we may feel deep down inside about ourselves. In other words, we need a Higher Power who is ON OUR SIDE. Too many of us grew-up in households where God was a tyrant, a hanging judge; and some of us grew-up in households where there was no God at all. Either way, we never knew a God who danced with us. We never experienced an...

“Love says, ‘I love you no matter what.’ Love says, ‘You’re fine the way you are.’ …If you think he’s supposed to be different From what he is, you don’t love him. In that Moment you love what he’s going to be when You’re through manipulating him. He is a throwaway Until he matches your image of him.” Byron Katie, A Friendly Universe Codependents like to remake/remodel people in their own image and likeness. We attach ourselves to people we believe we can fix, or manipulate into being what we want them to be. We are never in love with the person just as he or she is. We are infatuated with what we can make them into in order to ensure our own happiness. Before recovery I consistently struck up relationships with people who were needier than I was. My pattern of thinking was simple: This person is so needy that they won’t be able to resist me. I’ll shower them with attention and do all of the things for them that they should be doing for themselves. After I ...

“You can’t just sit there and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love.” Sam to Charlie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower The average codependent is very good at putting everyone else’s lives ahead of his own. Everyone else comes first for an active codependent because he believes that everyone counts in this world—except him. Since he thinks he doesn’t count, he has to find value somehow. And so it seems logical to him to find value in earning affection, much like everyone earns a paycheck at work. So, the codependent person becomes accustomed to putting everyone else’s needs first. “Your wish is my command” is a primary codependent motto. The average codependent subconsciously repeats this motto to herself as she busies herself attending to the every want and need of others while neglecting her own. She then anxiously awaits the payoff, which is usually receiving a few crumbs of affection in return. And all the while, Mr. or Ms. Codepend...

“From an early age, Juanita’s mother would express disappointment when Juanita did something her mother disapproved of. Juanita’s fear of this disapproval kept her from sharing parts of herself that would disappoint her mother. As a result, her mother never really knew her.” Phil Stutz & Barry Michels , The Tools What do you hide from others, the world and yourself? A great many of us learned the same childhood lesson that Juanita did. We learned that if we said certain things, or acted in certain ways, it made our parents uncomfortable. And so we learned to hide parts of our true selves. Picture a five year old boy who innocently and sincerely says to his mother “When I grow up I’m going to marry a boy.” A deafening silence fills the room. Then Mom laughs nervously and exclaims “Boys don’t marry boys! Where did you get an idea like that?” After another sharp pause, Mom continues in a stern voice as she wags her finger in her son’s face: “Boys only marry girls! Wh...