Soulshine

“I didn’t know I was broken until I wanted to change.” Bleachers, I Wanna Get Better (2014) No one suffering from codependency, or any other addictive personality defect, knows that they are “broken” until one day they decide they need to change. That day happened to me in early October of 1995. Prior to that day, I had no idea that I was the one with the problem. I knew I was rarely happy and I knew that most all of my relationships had a pattern of falling apart. But I thought it was always the fault of the other person and that fact that they refused to change in the many ways that I insisted that they change. It never once had occurred to me that I was the one who truly needed to change because my patterns of behavior were dysfunctional and extremely broken. The only change I was willing to engage in was a false sense of change known was people-pleasing. Yes, I would pretend to be whomever someone else wanted me to be; meaning I would pretend to like what they ...

In his book Loveability , Robert Holden outlines what love is and what it is not. I find this list to be very helpful in terms of facing and calming the codependent crazies. Let’s look at the 10 points he makes below. I have placed my spin on them for the purpose of seeing these points through a codependent love lens… Is it love or is it FEAR?   When we believe “I am not loveable,” the fear is always “Love has forsaken me.” And this will cause us to look for ways in which love is failing us. We will be on-guard constantly and will likely drive a wedge between us and the person we are professing to love. This can be especially true if we have abandonment issues. Is it love or is it DEPENDENCY?   I am unable to love me and so I make someone else responsible. Dependency is the issue for us codependents. Our self-love is generally so poor that we desperately want someone else to make us OK and so we look for that person who will be responsible for all of our need...

Who you gonna change in this world? Your mother? Your brother? Your lover? Your coworker? Well, forget those people. Try changing yourself. And by changing yourself, I don’t mean getting a new hairdo or moving to a new city . I mean going inside and changing the real inner-you. I love clothes and over the years I’ve bought lots of them, hoping that they would somehow make me OK and acceptable to myself and the world around me. I especially love shirts and I’m always hoping I’m going to find just the right shirt that makes me look handsome and slender. You know, that one short that’s going to tell the whole world that I’m good enough. Unfortunately, there’s no shirt that can do that. There’s not even a “perfect” birthday suit that can do that if we aren’t OK with what’s underneath our skin. Recently I met a man who told me he’s always changing jobs, even if it means picking up and moving to new cities. He lamented that he could just never seem to find the right job or workp...

Anytime I’m having a problem with someone else, I need to ask myself this question: “Who has the problem?” Obviously the answer is “I do.” This practice brings me back to reality. The problem is really with me, not the other person. And so I need to ask myself “What’s going on with me? What is it about me that’s being rubbed the wrong way by this person?” As I was giving some talks recently, someone raised their hand and asked “What do you do about people who are narcissistic?” I asked this person to elaborate. “Well,” she said, “There’s this lady in our bridge group and she’s always talking about herself and she’s just so narcissistic that I can’t stand to be around her.” I asked the woman speaking “Who has the problem here?” She looked puzzled and thought for a moment. Then she said hesitantly “I do.” I said “Bingo!” Then I asked “So who is it who has to change?” She said “I do.” I don’t think that was the realization that this woman wanted to arrive at. Most of us don’t like the ...

To grieve is to feel the flow of emotions as they arise within and pass through your heart and soul. It is allowing the flow of feelings to happen naturally. It is sitting with those feelings no matter how uncomfortable they may be. It is accepting those feelings just as they are and allowing them to bring their healing ingredients into our lives. Proper grieving means we give up our struggle to control our feelings. It means we allow tears to well-up in our eyes and flow down our cheeks. It means we fully breathe, feel and release each feeling on its terms-- not ours. There are many reasons why we need to grieve. Life gives to us and it takes away from us. Sometimes life gives us surprises we aren’t prepared for-- a bad medical report, a pink slip, or a serious accident. And sometimes life takes away the very breath from our lungs through the loss of a loved one or the ability to participate in those things that we have always found to be life-giving. Ultimately, life is ...