Soulshine

“I thought I was in love with you, but then I realized that I was in love with how much you were in love with me.” Anonymous The emotional neediness of many codependents drives them to lavish others with praise, gifts, attention and a false concept of love, especially in romantic relationships. Too many codependents are starved for romantic fulfillment and so it’s easy for them to overwhelm the target of their romantic affections. Initially those on the receiving end of all that romantic attention are sometimes knocked for a loop. They are so overwhelmed by all of the attention they are receiving from the codependent that they at first think that they, too, are equally head-over-heals for this person (the codependent). But once they get their feet back on the ground, they begin to get some inner-clarity. And often times they come to an understanding that they really aren’t head-over-heals for the person who is showering them with affection, but rather, they are head-o...

“I’m in the mood for something I’ve been missing Would you give it to me?... I need huggin’ I need kissin’ I need affection. Do you wanna go deeper baby Can you touch my soul? Are you man enough to give me what really counts? Can we move beyond below the waist? Understanding can be oh so sexy That lovin’ feeling is what I’ve been missing. I need affection. Don’t matter if your young or old Don’t matter if you’re straight or gay Everybody needs to feel loved.” Jody Watley, Affection (1995) Prior to recovery, many of us spent our entire lives seeking affection from all of the wrong people; while some of us desperately wanted affection, but we were too afraid to receive it from anyone. I always wanted the “right” person to drop out of the clouds for me; embrace me, kiss me and love me passionately forever. And, of course, that never happened. Even if it had, I would have been too afraid to accept the affection I so desperately wanted. Fir...

The codependent personality is always desperate for affection. Even years into recovery this fact remains unchanged for many people. Why? Because we are still lax in our willingness to meet our own emotional needs. Deep down we still want someone else to fill the void. And every person who comes along who shows the slightest interest in us—who smiles at us, who treats us with kindness or who flirts with us-- becomes our latest, greatest redeemer. Yes. We are so desperate for intimacy that we fall right into the trap again and again and again. Every smiling face offers us the hope of avoiding self-care. We want the easy way out. We want to be rescued. And our thinking is skewed in so many wrong ways we can’t possible see straight. First, we are forgetting that only WE can fill-up our emotional emptiness through proper self-care and the aid of a Higher Power. No one else can fill up our empty spaces. We have to invest time in loving who we are and in treating ourselves the way we want...