Soulshine

  When we realize that we have re-engaged in unhealthy relationships, we have at least two choices: We can detach, cut the other person off and play the blame game. We can make every mistake their fault and choose to dislike or even hate them. Or we can choose to realize that we are both broken inside, that we both made mistakes and we can detach with love. Detaching with love is necessary. We can't rightfully blame the other person for everything that went wrong in the relationship. It truly takes two to tango. So we have to be willing to admit to our own mistakes and to admit that under the other person's brokenness, we did see beauty in their soul. Sometimes it's also necessary to detach with love because we are making spiritual/recovery progress and the other person isn't. We can't force anyone to be willing to work at recovery and to be wiling to fix themselves. And we cannot fix them. There have been many times when I've heard friends sa...

I remember talking with someone who was feeling smothered in her relationship with a man. The man had moved in with her and they were even contemplating marriage. But she started feeling trapped. Every time she wanted to do something without him, like get together with friends or even go to a support group meeting, her boyfriend was upset. He felt threatened by anyone outside of the two of them, and would go so far as to say things like “Why do you need to talk with him?” or “Why do you need to hang-out with her? We only need each other. We don’t need anyone else in our lives.” In other words, this boyfriend was extremely needy, fearful and codependent. So I explained to her that his behavior and statements were huge red flags. For whatever reason, he was not giving love to himself, so he had made her his sole source of love. As a result, he was sucking every bit of love, attention and life out of her. And apparently his neediness was so great that he needed her 24/7. This great ...

  ”You won't say you have a problem, But it feels like you want SOMEONE… I should've guessed that you would only ever hurt YOURSELF I should've guessed, ain't nothing that I could do would stop YOU ” RAC featuring Speak, I Should Have Guessed (2014) We often want to stop those we love from hurting themselves.   A sibling, or a friend or an adult child is hooking up with someone who is toxic for them. We see all of the red flags, but our loved one is totally clueless. So what do we do? In recovery we learn to get out of the way. We learn to separate our lives and our problems from those of others. And we learn that we can’t save anyone from themselves. If a friend is suddenly gaga—and seemingly clueless-- over a man who is recently divorced, between jobs and liking his Corona, we may feel our stomachs churning for this friend. All of the red flags are waving like crazy before our eyes, while the words coming from our friend’s lips are “I think he’...

“One evening King David rose from his bed and strolled about on the roof of the king’s house. From the roof he saw a woman bathing; she was very beautiful. David sent people to inquire about the woman and was told, ‘She is Bathsheba, daughter of Eliam, and wife of Uriah the Hittite .’   Then David sent messengers and took her. When she came to him, he took her to bed. ” 2 Samuel, The Hebrew Bible There are interesting parallels between the Hebrew story of King David and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s story of Jay Gatsby. Both men see themselves as sons of God, destined for greatness. David conquers the Goliaths of his world and Gatsby conquers the Goliaths of his world. It seems easy for the two of them to conquer the men of their respective worlds. Maybe that’s because it’s part of God’s vision for their lives and the purpose that each one of them is meant to serve. But neither one of them is able to conquer the Goliaths they face of the opposite sex. In fac...

“I gotta new life You would hardly recognize me, I'm so glad How could a person like me care for you? Why do I bother When you're not the one for me Ooooo, is enough, enough? For so many years I've wondered who you are How could a person like you bring me joy? I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign and it opened up my mind! And I am happy now living without you I've left you I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign.” Lyrics from The Sign by Ace of Base In every codependent relationship we have ever been in, we have seen “The Sign” of addictive attraction. It pops up before our faces and flashes like neon across our blinded-by-addiction eyes; and, of course, we choose to ignore it. There are many warning signs that pop-up from the moment we find ourselves being emotionally or romantically drawn to a toxic person. These signs are sometimes referred to as Red Flags, and they exist for a reason. They are present...

Ever try to find happiness with a very special person—who has a victim mentality? If you have, then I can safely predict that you are still trying desperately to find that happiness, because you will never find it with someone who is stuck in the groove of playing the victim. Victim mentalities feed on people with caretaker/people-pleaser mentalities. People with victim mentalities chew-up and spit out their caretakers like they’re tobacco. Why? Because perpetual victims have no intentions of being anything but lifetime victims of life—forever and ever. You can’t rescue them. They don’t want to be rescued. They just want someone who’s going to listen to and baby them over their now ancient sob stories or their latest episode of self-created chaos. And they’ll run you through the ringer of their martyrdom until you can no longer stand it, or until they can no longer stand your attempts to rescue them into a healthy state of happiness. I feel sorry for people who think that they are g...