Are You a Prisoner on Codependent Boulevard?
I
remember talking with someone who was feeling smothered in her relationship
with a man. The man had moved in with her and they were even contemplating
marriage. But she started feeling trapped. Every time she wanted to do
something without him, like get together with friends or even go to a support
group meeting, her boyfriend was upset. He felt threatened by anyone outside of
the two of them, and would go so far as to say things like “Why do you need to
talk with him?” or “Why do you need to hang-out with her? We only need each
other. We don’t need anyone else in our lives.”
In
other words, this boyfriend was extremely needy, fearful and codependent. So I
explained to her that his behavior and statements were huge red flags. For whatever
reason, he was not giving love to himself, so he had made her his sole source
of love. As a result, he was sucking every bit of love, attention and life out
of her. And apparently his neediness was so great that he needed her 24/7. This
great neediness led him to be fearful of any other person who could possibly be
significant to her. A severe codependency fills its victims with a dire need to
control the object of desire. Someone this needy is constantly in the throes of
abandonment fears. So everyone outside—friends, family, coworkers, etc.—is a
threat to this type of extremely needy codependent person.
I
suggested that she start setting strict boundaries with her boyfriend. If he
used shame or guilt to try to manipulate her into doing what he wanted—like staying
home with him instead of going to a movie with a friend—she needed to tell him
something like “I feel smothered when you object to me spending some time with
one of my girlfriends. We need to have time away from each other. It’s healthy
for our relationship.”
I
also said it would be a good idea to tell him he’s suffering from a codependency
and to suggest that he seek some counseling and a support group. If he refused
to honor her boundaries, or to seek help for himself, then it was pretty
obvious that she was going to have to make a decision about whether or not the
relationship could ever be healthy for her.
When
we have entered into toxic relationships, there are always red flags. Feeling
smothered or trapped is a big red flag. Feeling resentful, used and powerless
are also bad signs. Statements from the other person that suggest the two of
you can live happily ever after with absolutely no one else in your lives are real danger signs. Often times this means that the other person has effectively
taken you hostage, and they will manipulate you with guilt and shame to keep
you hostage.
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