Soulshine

“You are hard for me to paint, Angela. Always you wear a mask to hide the soul within you.” Gino, Street Angel (1928) Angela, Charlie, Lisa, Richard. It doesn’t make any difference what our name is, many of us wear a mask to hide the souls within us. And we do that for a very serious reason: Shame of who we are inside. My shame of being unacceptable and unlovable kept me behind a stealth mask for many years. Even to this day I still wear a mask. It’s just much more see-through than it used to be. But the stealth mask was essential to a younger me. I truly believed that I was so unacceptable of a person that no one could possibly like me. On the surface people might think I was nice enough. I could certainly project the good boy image. But I was petrified that if they ever got underneath my mask, they’d reject the real me. And I greatly feared it would mean the emotional—and maybe the physical-- death of me. So I wasn’t too different from Angela in the 1928 film...

Dear Lord, I believe I am God-Shaped-Whole. I am complete and I lack nothing that Your love cannot give me. My heart is complete when it is filled with love for You, myself and the love of others. Fill me with Your complete, unconditional love and help me to completely accept myself as a uniquely beautiful reflection of Your image and likeness. I will carry Your love in my heart as the fulfillment of my own self-love and as the grace I need to love everyone in my life. Amen.

Most every family suffers from favoritism. In other words, it’s easy for mom or dad to have a favorite child and to be partial to that child at the expense of their other children. Probably the best way to illustrate the damage that occurs through parental favoritism is the story of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat , which is based in the Bible. Jacob (or Israel ) has several sons, but his favorite is his youngest, Joseph. Jacob isn’t shy about acknowledging that Joseph is his favorite and he has no problems lavishing love, compliments and gifts on Joseph-- alone. Unfortunately, Jacob seems to be oblivious to the devastating effect that his behavior has on his other children. The older sons all end up feeling like they are worthless in the eyes of Jacob. They also feel cheated by him and so they grow envious and jealous of Joseph. Any time a parent plays favorites the other children in the family will feel like they are some how lesser-than. They’ll feel defective, de...

Living the lives of others is a very codependent trait. I was watching an old John Ford movie last night from 1933 called Pilgrimage . It was about a widow named Hannah living on a farm in Arkansas with her young adult son, Jimmy. World War I is raging across Europe and there’s a war raging inside of Hannah. Hannah doesn’t know how to live her own life. She isn’t willing to be responsible for herself and her own happiness even though she is actually a very strong person. She’s made Jimmy into her crutch and she’s living vicariously through him. This seems to work fine until Jimmy meets Mary and falls in love with her. Now Jimmy wants his life back and on his terms. He loves his mother and he has love enough in his heart for her and Mary. Jimmy wants to get married and Hannah is totally opposed. She isn’t willing to release her hostage. Hannah tries everything to keep herself enmeshed in Jimmy. She threatens him, spies on him, goes to Mary and threatens her—and all in th...

Struggling with knowing and trusting a Higher Power is problematic. The 12 Step program requires that we have a power greater than ourselves. For me, the God I grew-up with doesn’t work as a reliable Higher Power. First off, a Higher Power has to be on your side. The God I grew-up with was never on my side as far as I could discern. And not much has changed since that time. I have a slightly better concept of my Higher Power than I did several years ago, but it still isn’t one that brings me comfort or makes me feel loved and safe. So what do I want in a Higher Power? I want a Higher Love that makes me feel unconditionally loved, heard, validated, and cared about at all times. I want a Higher Love that comforts me and makes me feel valuable. I want a Love so great that I feel safe and warm always. We all need to be heard and validated by our Higher Power. We need to feel like everything we are experiencing and feeling is important to our Higher Power. We need to feel ...

“All I do each night is pray hopin' that I'll be a part of you again someday All I do each night is think of all the times I close the door to keep my love within.” Take That, Pray (1993) Prayer can be as baffling and as confusing as addiction itself. Many people enter the doors of recovery suffering from more than just abuse inflicted upon them by others and themselves. Many of us also enter recovery feeling equally abused by God. And some of us could easily defend the concept that God is dead. After all, where was God when all of this abuse began happening to us as defenseless children? Why would a supposedly loving, all-powerful God sit back and do nothing to defend us? Where was God when we were learning to hate ourselves for not being good enough? Why didn’t God make us good enough? Why did God love other people more than us by making them better? Why isn’t God on my side? These are just a few of the very valid questions that any of us may ha...