Soulshine

    Addicts typically engage in self-sabotage. This behavior is based in our dire need for chaos and drama. So many of us were raised in families where there was constant chaos, endless drama and very little—if any—stability. As we grew older and developed addictive personalities, we also developed an incessant need for self-sabotage by way of chaos and drama. As adults, we often times find ourselves split between loathing the chaos/drama and desperately needing it. We are split because we have two personalities: Our natural-born personality and our unnatural addictive personality. On a conscious level, our natural personality is tired of chaos and drama. But on a subconscious level, our addictive personality is thriving on creating as much chaos and drama as possible. We are thus often times conditioned for daily chaos and drama. And when they don’t naturally exist, we will create them for ourselves—and everyone else in our lives. There are a plethora of ways in whi...

Sometimes in CODA meetings we allow ourselves to be bothered by someone else who attends the same meeting. We then fixate on that person until we decide that we aren’t going to the meeting anymore because that person bothers us. This is a cop-out on our behalf. It is actually our subconscious choice to ditch recovery in favor of relapsing.                          Why? Because no one can truly bother us unless we choose to allow them to do so. The first recovery lesson we receive In Step One is that we are “powerless over other people.” It’s the addictive part of us that wants to control and change other people to please ourselves. If I am bothered by someone in a meeting it’s because I’m refusing to admit that I am powerless over them. If something about them bothers me, I am choosing to let it bother me. And if I’m thinking about leaving the meeting permanently...

According to author Rita Mae Brown “a controller doesn’t trust his/her ability to live through the pain and chaos of life.” Brown then goes on to say that “there is no life without pain just as there is no art without submitting to chaos.” Anyone who has ever suffered from codependency knows the fear of facing pain and chaos. And we codependents certainly do a masterful job of trying to control life in regards to emotional pain and daily chaos. My question, however, is this: Do we try to control life to avoid chaos and the pain it causes, or do we try to control life to ensure chaos and the pain it causes? I think we are often trapped between both the need to avoid and the need to create chaos and pain. After all, many codependents willfully choose to engage in relationships with people who are toxic for them. We invite chaos and pain into our lives based in our need to repeat the childhood patterns of chaos and pain that we are so familiar with. And yet once we have...

Life is what we make it when we choose to retain and own our personal power. Sometimes we give our personal power away to others and sometimes we give it away to life events or things that happen to us. But often times we give our personal power away to our own fears and the beliefs that spring from these fears. For example, a lady in her mid-50s came to me anonymously several years back. She wanted to talk about the fact that she was divorcing her husband. She said he had been unfaithful and she made it clear to me that she lived by this ironclad rule or belief: “If my husband ever cheats on me, it’s over. I will divorce him.” I asked her to explain what had happened and she told me the following. She and her husband had been married for 26 years. They had known each other since high school. He had lots of friends from his college days that he still socialized with. In fact, they got together every Thursday night for a boys night out where they played poker. Everyone gat...

I’ve referenced Harriet Craig before. Harriet (played by Joan Crawford) is the title character in a 1950 movie. And she is an interesting study in severe codependency. As a child, Harriet walked into her father’s office at work, expecting to surprise him. She never anticipated the surprise (or rather shock) that she was about to receive: Harriet found her father in the arms of “another” woman. No doubt in that moment Harriet felt shock, betrayal, disgust, shame and fear. Later her father came clean about his affair and divorced Harriet’s mother. He then abandoned the family. As a result, Harriet developed a belief as a young girl. That belief was “No man can ever be trusted.” And she carried that belief into adulthood. Attached to that belief were all of the nasty, messy feelings that Harriet had never fully faced concerning her father’s infidelity and her abandonment by him. It isn’t surprising then that Harriet isn’t willing to allow herself to be vulnerable with me...