Soulshine

“I do not explain, defend or justify my life to anyone. I am my own creation, intent on being myself.” Dr. Chris Michaels Many codependents spend a lot of time explaining, defending and justifying their lives—even their existence—to others. Someone criticizes something we said or did and a panic alarm goes off inside of us. We then bend over backwards to whitewash ourselves. We back pedal on our beliefs or our values and desperately repaint ourselves in the color that this critical person wants us to be. Before recovery many of us were like chameleons. Every hour of every day often led to a change in our color or in our song and dance. It was always more important to us to sing the song someone else wanted us to sing, or to dance the dance that made other people happy. Yup, we were champions of giving our personal power away to everyone we thought was better than us. And by the time we entered recovery, many of us didn’t know our own voices anymore. We had complet...

“If I knew how good it felt,  I would have done it a long time ago. It really felt amazing ...  It's about self-esteem and dignity at the end of the day.” Ricky Martin Pop singer Ricky Martin came out of the closet as a gay man a year or two ago. He chose to stop pretending he was someone he wasn’t. It didn’t make him any less of a man, or any less of a talented human being. It may or may not have affected his personal relationships and his career. But none of that is near as important as how it affected him in his own relationship with himself. And on a personal level he says “It really felt amazing.” He got his own self-respect back and that’s irreplaceable because no amount of success could make him happy if he wasn’t happy with himself. It makes no difference what we have been hiding from others. Maybe we’ve been keeping a secret about our sexual orientation, or our addictive habits, or a past mistake, or a personal disability. But no matter what it i...

“It doesn’t matter what I want. You’re telling me what’s good for me, what’s proper… You’ve been telling me since I was three years old and I’m sick of it. You’ve glared and scolded and frightened me… and now I’ll tell you something you’ll never forget: What I do is none of Lynnfield’s business. I invite the whole town to take a jump in the lake!” Theodora Lynn (Irene Dunne), Theodora Goes Wild (1936) Don’t allow anyone to judge you. Stand right up to them and retain your power by setting them straight. No one has the right to tell you who you should be, how you should live your life, what you should or shouldn’t do, what you should wear, how you should act, or who you should or shouldn’t associate with. In the film Theodora Goes Wild , Theodora Lynn (played by Irene Dunne) hits bottom with her meddling self-righteous Aunts and their equally as intrusive friends. She’s tired of dressing like a frump, acting like a dead saint and of being told who she can or...

All I want for Christmas is self-respect, and it’s a gift that seems to be coming to me more and more each day. Truth is, when you have enough self-love to respect yourself you see the whole world awash in new, brighter colors. You feel like you finally fit-in. You find your space and you walk your path with new vigor. Inside there’s a new feeling and it sings to you and the world around you: “Nothing can stop me now!” Everyone is your equal and you are everyone’s equal. No one can put you down without embarrassing themselves. You own and retain your power regardless of what anyone else says, does, believes or wants. Suddenly you realize that you have become your own best friend. Your body feels comfortable to you no matter what size you are, what color you are or how old or young you are. Your personality bubbles up and spills all over everything and everyone around you—and you love it—even in the face of detractors. You need no one to complete you or make you OK. You’ve disc...

I haven’t written anything recently because I honestly haven’t had anything to say that hasn’t already been said. If I could sum up everything I’ve ever said, it would come down to this: Living a harmonious life, one in which you maintain an overall sense of well-being, is as simple as “live and let live.” In other words, own the power that is yours to own and let go of your need to usurp power that is not yours to own. If you love yourself enough to own your personal power, to set proper boundaries with others, to love and treat yourself with kindness, to respect yourself by speaking up for your needs and honoring yourself, then you will be half way to happiness. Likewise, if you love others enough to allow them to own their personal power, to set their own boundaries, to allow them to be who they are and not who you want them to be, if you treat them with love, kindness and proper respect, then your happiness—and theirs—will be complete. These are two sides of the sa...