Soulshine

What exactly is enabling ? Darlene Lancer, in her book Conquering Shame and Codependency , offers a solid definition. She says “The term enabling can be applied to any form of help that removes the natural consequences of someone else’s behavior.” So when we feel responsible for someone else’s behavior and choose to fix their problems for them, we take away the consequences of what they have done and we let them off the hook. They are then never held accountable for their actions and they never learn to be responsible for their self-destructive behaviors. I remember several years ago a man came to talk to me about his brother, who had a severe gambling problem. This man, we’ll call him Brendan, had been enabling his younger brother’s addiction by bailing him out every time he gambled-away more money than he had in the bank. In effect, Brendan became his brother’s personal banker; and whenever his brother—let’s call him Tom—had money-lenders at a given casino breathing down ...

Want is the root of all the emotional evil we perpetrate against ourselves. Everything we want that is out of the scope of our having poisons our souls. Think about all of the people you have ever wanted to possess. Sometimes we meet someone and we immediately fall into infatuation with him or her. Or sometimes we have a good friend and we become too attached. We start depending on her more and we become increasingly clingy. Or we even start wanting him to become more than a friend and we begin fantasizing about being lovers. Sooner or later our emotional neediness takes us to new heights of want and despair when our friend begins to afford us less time, or it clearly becomes evident that this relationship is never going to enter the realm of romance. As reality shatters fantasy/denial, we find ourselves sinking deeper into self-loathing and depression. We feel unlovable and worthless. Why? Because we have pinned all of our hopes on having someone or something we want...

I have a friend named Ted who doesn’t take good care of himself. Ted doesn’t know how to love Ted. And I think that Ted has so disassociated himself from “Ted,” that he doesn’t even realize that he’s left himself behind. Ted felt abandoned as a child. No one was there for Ted: Not mom, nor dad nor anyone. So Ted learned to abandon himself at a very young age. He left Ted behind and became whomever made “you” happy— “you” being anyone who would even acknowledge his existence. Ted became a codependent, caretaking, people-pleasing chameleon as he grew into adulthood. As an adult, Ted became very good at taking care of everyone’s needs, except his own. He’s looked after the needs of the mom and dad who were never there for him emotionally. He’s looked after the needs of friends, other family members and total strangers. But he’s never looked after Ted’s needs because he thinks the Ted he left behind isn’t worth the effort. Part of the reason why Ted has never felt worthy ...