Soulshine

“At least I call my soul my own. Do you?” Michael Grant, Theodora Goes Wild (1936) It’s pretty important to be able to call your soul your own. Those of us who grew up under the thumb of an overly codependent mom or dad were never allowed as children to claim our souls as our own. Our souls belonged to the parent who felt he/she had the privilege to live our lives for us by telling us who we were to be, what we were to like, what we were to believe, etc. And if we rebelled in any way, this same parent was a pro at using shame, guilt and fear to keep us in our place. I lived under my mother’s thumb until the day she died. Actually, I have still been living under her thumb to varying degrees in the 20 years since her death. She did a really good job of taking my soul away from me from the time I was born. She made it clear that I could not be who I am and that if I chose to engage in certain behaviors I was doomed to a life of misery and to eternal damnation. I understan...

“It doesn’t matter what I want. You’re telling me what’s good for me, what’s proper… You’ve been telling me since I was three years old and I’m sick of it. You’ve glared and scolded and frightened me… and now I’ll tell you something you’ll never forget: What I do is none of Lynnfield’s business. I invite the whole town to take a jump in the lake!” Theodora Lynn (Irene Dunne), Theodora Goes Wild (1936) Don’t allow anyone to judge you. Stand right up to them and retain your power by setting them straight. No one has the right to tell you who you should be, how you should live your life, what you should or shouldn’t do, what you should wear, how you should act, or who you should or shouldn’t associate with. In the film Theodora Goes Wild , Theodora Lynn (played by Irene Dunne) hits bottom with her meddling self-righteous Aunts and their equally as intrusive friends. She’s tired of dressing like a frump, acting like a dead saint and of being told who she can or...

Today I’m becoming aware that my feelings of safety and belonging are often tied to my (false) belief that I need to earn approval from others. Of course I can easily see that this is all tied into my long history of being the “good boy.” I was taught at an early age that I needed to earn a good approval rating from everyone else in this world. It was the only way that I was going to be acceptable. Certainly I learned that I couldn’t be acceptable by simply being me. I had to earn it. I had to do all of the proper people-pleasing tricks so I could get a nice pat on the head and have people say “Oh, isn’t he sweet” or “What a nice boy.” I look back now and realize that I’ve spent most of my life being more of a Poodle than a person. Even to this day, if I don’t follow all of the rules, as determined by others, I feel like I am in someway worthless and unlovable. People object, I don’t get my pat on the head and, as a result, I have my safety blanket yanked away from within...

Higher Power, I very much want to open up my heart-petals. But all of my life I have feared rejection. It’s devastating to have someone walk out of my life and abandon me. Being vulnerable before others means that I must face my fears of rejection and loss. It also means that I must let go of my need for approval from others. Throughout my life, I have relied heavily on the approval of others to make me feel OK about myself. For the most part, I have felt good about me when others gave me their approval, and I have loathed myself when others disapproved of me. Please help me, Higher Love, to gain my self-worth through your approval alone. And help me to be satisfied with the approval I provide for myself through cultivating my self-love. Believing that I need no one’s approval to be a worthwhile person will help me to be more open and vulnerable before the people who really matter in my life. It will give my heart-petals wings to open and to embrace true intimacy ...

Today is Ash Wednesday, and I have been asked “Where are your ashes?” To which I replied “I am wearing them inside—within my empty spaces—where they will hopefully bring spiritual healing; and where they will eventually bring more good to the world than a one day public display on the forehead that is largely forgotten by the next day.”    If you practice Lent, allow it to be a genuine-internal-spiritual tour de force that propels you to love and bless the world with great goodness from within you. Do not allow it to simply be a hollow-external-ashen show of shows to garner public approval from outside of you. Public approval is for the religious. Choose to be spiritual, instead, and you will learn that Love is more valuable than any form of public approval.

Everyone has a need to belong. We all have a need for others, for a sense of kinship and for the comfort of being acceptable just as we are. This is very different from having a need for approval. The need for approval from others is a cancer of the heart and mind. It destroys your soul. The need for approval places you at the mercy of others. It gives other people total power over your happiness, well-being and, essentially, every aspect of your life. If you have a deep need for the approval of others, if you believe you need others to decide for you whether or not you are OK, then you need to rewire your thinking. You already have the approval of your Maker. The only other approval you need is your own. Take back your power by approving of yourself. It's nobody else's responsibility to decide if you are OK or not. And no one has the right to criticize you, or belittle you as "not good enough" unless you give them that power. Seek your own approval, claim y...

Sometimes it’s difficult learning to stand up for ourselves. We are so used to backing-off because we feel like we don’t really count in this world. Everyone else has a right to their beliefs, opinions and needs—but not us. So we stand silently by and give our power away. We stuff our feelings and lay down like doormats for others. Then, once we’re alone, we allow our feelings to explode all over us. We replay the situation through our heads over and over, we get angry, mad as hell and revengeful. As we replay the scene again and again, we punish ourselves. We may be angry with the other person(s), but we’re mostly angry with ourselves. Well, it’s time to stop laying down and rolling over before others. It’s time to start owning our power by believing that we are good enough, equal with everyone and that our wants and needs DO COUNT. I belong to an MP3 service that charges my account every month for $20. I found out the hard way that if I don’t buy $20 worth of MP3s in a give...