Obsession Is a Red Flag

“One evening King David rose from his bed

and strolled about on the roof of the king’s house.

From the roof he saw a woman bathing; she was very beautiful.

David sent people to inquire about the woman and was told,

‘She is Bathsheba, daughter of Eliam, and wife of Uriah the Hittite.’

 Then David sent messengers and took her.

When she came to him, he took her to bed.^”

2 Samuel, The Hebrew Bible

There are interesting parallels between the Hebrew story of King David and F. Scott Fitzgerald’s story of Jay Gatsby. Both men see themselves as sons of God, destined for greatness. David conquers the Goliaths of his world and Gatsby conquers the Goliaths of his world.

It seems easy for the two of them to conquer the men of their respective worlds. Maybe that’s because it’s part of God’s vision for their lives and the purpose that each one of them is meant to serve.

But neither one of them is able to conquer the Goliaths they face of the opposite sex. In fact, they are both conquered by those two feminine Goliaths: Bathsheba and Daisy. Or are they?

In reality, both David and Gatsby conquer themselves by becoming obsessed with someone they want to possess, but cannot possess—rightfully. And this is part of the age old story of codependency. It hits right to the heart of my old failed patterns of behavior that possessed me for many years.

I know I wasted many years of my own life being obsessed with persons that were never meant to be important parts of my life. Looking back, it seems like my life was one series of endless obsessions. I’d meet someone and become so fixed on this person that I was blind to everyone else in my life. I was blind to family, friends, coworkers—everyone. If the right person had come along and bitten me on the butt, I’d still have been blind to them because I could only see my obsession of the moment.

This went on for years. It was one obsession after another. It was repeating the same old words over and over—“This is the ONE! I just know it! There could be no other!”—and somehow blindly believing it each and every time. It was years and years of destructive denial. My denial was so great that I never ever even had a clue to the fact that I was actually repeating the same old failed pattern of behavior over and over without end.

Until I entered recovery. When I went to my first CODA meeting all of the lightbulbs in my mind exploded into a brightness of insight like I had never experienced in my life. The darkness of my denial was washed away by the light of understanding—well, at least for a short time.

Looking back, I realize now that it didn’t take long for the blinders of denial to take charge once more over my thinking. Even though I was attending CODA meetings weekly, I found it somehow easy to fall back into many of my old patterns of behavior. In particular, I found it easy to once more be on the hunt for the person who was going to rescue me from me—that Bathsheba or Daisy who was going to make everything perfect, finally.

I was a full three years into recovery before I realized the big mistake I was making. The blinders finally came off and I saw in the largest of light that I had once more taken someone hostage believing that this person was going to be the One. All of the denial fell away and I knew that once again I had robbed myself of two years of my life being obsessed over someone who could never be right for me, and who certainly couldn’t rescue me from myself.

I owned up to the fact that I have to rescue me from me by learning to love me. It’s a lesson that we all have to learn. No one can rescue us. If we are obsessed with someone, it’s a very bad red flag. We all know the feeling. It’s a dire do or die feeling. It’s a desperate feeling of “I’m going to die without this person. I need them to make me OK!” And it exists to tell us we are on the wrong path.

If you are in that very bad space, get out. There is no Bathsheba, or Daisy, or David or Gatsby who can save you. You can only save yourself. Get to a support group meeting and start owning your own life by learning how to love yourself properly. It will lesson the grip of all of your obsessions about other people and it will take you into positive new places where you will begin to experience the richness of life that comes from loving yourself into wholeness of being.