Manipulation Is a Wicked Web of Self-Destruction

A major character defect shared by most all codependents is manipulation. Engaging in manipulation is fueled by the need to control. A codependent person cannot trust life or others. Of course, life is a fact that we have limited control over. And, unfortunately for the fear-filled codependent, we all need others no matter how independent we pretend to be. This fact provides a serious dilemma for the codependent person.

The all-too codependent need to manipulate others plays out magnificently in the 1950 film Harriet Craig. Harriet needs her husband Walter and her cousin Claire, and yet she mistakenly believes she can’t trust either of them.

Harriet’s never sure if Walter might betray her at any moment and so she keeps a tight grip on him. She almost never lets him out of her sight, and she’s learned that she needs to keep his leash short. You see, Walter has friends—both men and women—that he ran around with before he met and married Harriet. Those friends are now a threat to Harriet. She fears that they could get in the way of her having all of Walter’s love and attention.

So Harriet does her best to try and distance Walter from his friends. She never invites them over and refuses to accept invitations from them. If she should directly receive an invitation from any of Walter’s friends, she withholds the information from Walter, while declining the invitation. You see, what Walter doesn’t know can’t hurt him, or Harriet. Or so she thinks. Harriet also likes to refer to Walter’s friends as “rogues” and “ruffians” who aren’t worthy of Walter’s friendship. She does all she can to distance Walter from his friends so that she can become all that Walter could ever need in life.

How often have we done the same? That’s a pattern of behavior I identify well with when I look back at my past. Once I latched-on to someone, I felt threatened by every friend or past lover that they ever had. I felt just like Harriet. The fly in my web was mine. All that person needed was me. We could be happy without anyone else in our lives: No friends, no family, no acquaintances, no one was to come between us. I held tightly to this belief while I suffocated the life out of my prey.

And like Harriet, I used every form of manipulation at my command to ensure that I kept my prey in my web. If we were going out for coffee and then dinner and my prey said “Oh why don’t you call and invite so-in-so to go with us?” I’d put a false smile of approval on my face and pretend that I’d call him/her just as soon as I could. But I wouldn’t call. Instead, I’d return to my prey and say “Well, he/she sends their regrets but they already have plans for this evening.” I never wanted so-in-so around—any so-in-so—because I felt so insecure and threatened. I wanted my prey to revolve completely around me and no one else. Besides, I couldn’t trust so-in-so. They might feel the need to step into my shoes and attempt to take my prey away from me. I couldn’t face that loss or the devastation that it would cause me emotionally.

Thankfully recovery has taught me that I am powerless over other people—and life. It’s also helped me to learn to love myself and to feel better in my own skin. I know longer feel like I need to take anyone hostage and be the center of that person’s universe. So I no longer feel the need to manipulate anyone through lies or withheld information. I trust people more and I feel free of the codependent crazies when it comes to relationships.

If you are finding that you still feel compelled to manipulate and control people in order to feel secure, then you need to do some important 12 Step work. Get to meetings and get a sponsor who can help you work through the first three steps so you can admit that you are powerless over others and come to believe it. And do whatever reading you need to do, see a therapist or whatever it takes to learn to boost your self-love. These are all necessary steps towards learning to let go and build healthy relationships with real people—not hostages.