The Joys of Saying NO!

Most codependents have trouble saying “NO.” We allow ourselves to be put-upon. In fact, we often invite it. People learn quickly that we can’t say “No” to them or anyone. And so we develop a reputation. People know exactly who to look for if they need something done that they don’t want to do themselves.

So they come and seek us out. They say “Were is that foolish little codependent?” as they scheme in their heads a new way to manipulate us into doing what they want. Sometimes they ask directly, but many times all they have to do is breathe a heavy sigh and tell us their dilemma. Once we hear that they need some type of help, many of us just jump right in and volunteer to be their victim without them even having to formally ask us. We sacrifice ourselves all for the purpose of pleasing them and reassuring ourselves that they will remain our friend.

Obviously, we need to develop a new definition of friendship! And part of that definition means learning to set boundaries. Saying “NO!” is a great boundary. It protects us from being abused by others. It also gives us back our self-worth. First off, no one exist solely to please other people and no one is responsible for the problems of others. We are all responsible for our own problems. And secondly, friendship is not based on pleasing people to gain their approval. Friendship is based on mutual acceptance of and like of each other. PERIOD! If we need to earn someone’s approval to have their friendship then we need to walk away from that person. They are NOT a friend to us and they most likely never will be.

Sometimes people can’t handle every problem by themselves, and they need to ask for help. That’s fine. And it’s also fine that we sometimes help other people with their problems—but not at the exclusion of our own needs and well-being. This is where we need to discern when to say “Yes” and when to say “No” to requests for help.

These are the ground rules I have set for myself:

1) Never volunteer to help someone without being asked. If someone needs help, they will ask for it. If they aren’t willing to ask, then too bad for them. I will not be manipulated by a sob story into volunteering to help someone who doesn’t have the guts to ask. I may feel bad for them, but I will not rescue them. They need to be willing to help themselves first by actually asking for help.

2) Pay attention to feelings. If someone is asking for help and I am feeling put-upon then I need to say “No.” I’m feeling put-upon for a reason. It may be that every week this person is coming to me with a new crisis, or it may be that I know I already have more than enough to deal with myself. And so my body is telling me that I can’t afford to take on one more problem. If I say “Yes,” the next feeling I will experience will be resentment. I will resent the fact that this person asked for one more favor and I will resent the fact that I said “Yes” when I should have said “No.”

Saying “No” and being OK with it is the first boundary that every codependent person needs to learn. None of us were born to be the Super Saviors of the world. And none of us should feel that we have to earn people’s love, acceptance, approval or friendship by constantly attempting to please them.

So if you are constantly saying “Yes” to people because you want them to approve of you or like you, then please stop. Take your personal power back from others. Start giving yourself the approval you are so desperate to receive from others. The only reason you are desperate to receive approval from others is because you have been withholding approval from yourself. You’ve created a void inside of you that no one can fill-up aside from yourself.

Once you start approving of yourself, the void will disappear and you will no longer feel the dire need to please others in order to gain their approval. Instead you will feel confident and self-satisfied in healthy, life-affirming ways because you will have proper time to take care of your own needs.There's great joy to be found in self-approval and taking care of your own needs, so hop to it! Allow the rest of the world to take care of itself for awhile. Or at least allow God to do it!