Shine Your Light for the World to See

“Express yourself, don’t repress yourself…

Did I say something wrong?

Ooops! I didn’t know we couldn’t talk about sex.

Did I have a point of view?

Ooops! I didn’t know we couldn’t talk about you.”

Madonna, Human Nature

Ok. So this week I’m doing therapy with Madonna. Love her or hate her, the woman knows how to write good lyrics, and many of them are centered on healthy vs. codependent behavior. Human Nature is a good example. It hits to the core of codependent behavior because many of us are terrified to express ourselves openly and honestly.

As a result, we worry endlessly about saying “something wrong.” There were many times in the past when I found myself one on one with someone, or in a group, and I very much wanted to express my opinions. But I was so afraid of rejection that I’d replay what I wanted to say through my mind a million times before I got up the nerve to honestly express myself. And, more often than not, when I finally got up the nerve, the conversation had taken a new turn. It was too late to say what I needed to say. This left part of me feeling relieved, after all if I said nothing I couldn’t “say something wrong.” But it also left the real me frustrated. It meant I had publicly devalued my own opinions and my very self one more time.

More often than not fear of rejection or abandonment is at the core of our inability to honestly express ourselves. We worry that if we say something and the other person(s) disagree, they may choose to dislike us. We give our power away to them by believing that we have to agree with them on everything in life. And this is all based in the belief that they are somehow better than we are, that we have no real value compared to them and so we better not rock the boat. Of course the underlying fear here is that if we do rock the boat, if they don’t like what we have to say, what we believe and who we are, that they will walk away—forever.

It’s all about fear of abandonment. This is the real reason why we choose to repress ourselves, instead of choosing to express ourselves. We want to cling to someone, usually a toxic someone, and we don’t want them to walk away. But as I have said before, anyone who wants to walk away needs to be given the permission to do so.

Fear of expressing ourselves, fear of owning our point of view, is nothing less than a form of manipulation on our behalves. This is the formula that many of us have followed: We are attracted to someone who is toxic and totally wrong for us. Subconsciously, we know this because we immediately give our power away to this person. We like what he likes. We want what she wants. We believe what he believes. We enjoy what she enjoys. We are hanging on his/her every like/dislike, belief, want and desire. This makes it impossible for us to express ourselves in any way that might be different from him/her. And so we are very guarded about what we say. We repress ourselves to get what we want from him/her: Approval, acceptance and any warped form of love that he/she might be willing to throw our way. We remain on 24 hours alert, then, for fear that they may catch us off-guard and we may actually say or do something that could cause him/her to reject us.

If this pattern of behavior sounds familiar, then you need to change it. Become conscious of the fact that you are often guarded with expressing yourself and your points of view. Understand that you are “on alert” because you are trying to control the relationship or situation. Being on-guard is a sign that you are being manipulative in your thinking. You are trying hard to make yourself acceptable to someone who’s approval YOU DO NOT NEED.

Anyone who would walk out of your life because of who you are-- because they disagree with your point of view or with who you inherently are—isn’t worth worrying about. Let them walk away. It’s a sign that you and that person are not compatible, and this is something that you cannot manipulate or control.

So let them walk away. Then focus on yourself, begin to express true yourself and your true point of view. Affirm yourself. Approve of yourself. Then watch and see how you will begin to attract wonderful people into your life who are good—not toxic-- for you. SHINE YOUR LIGHT FOR THE WORLD TO SEE!