When Children Stop Loving Themselves Addictive Patterns of Behavior Develop

This statement above is so true and it is the root cause of addiction and fear abandonment. Children love themselves just the way God has created them. When they are verbally, emotionally or physically abused by parents, older siblings or other adults that they trust, they begin the process of imploding from the inside. 

Harsh criticism of children causes them to doubt themselves. They begin to doubt their lovability, their self-worth and their personal value. As the criticism mounts, they learn to turn off their feelings to survive, and they stop loving themselves. As a result, their self-esteem plummets to unhealthy levels to the point that they question their right to even exist. Some develop an existence shame.

A child plagued with shame, guilt and a strong sense of worthlessness is unable to love him/herself. This then makes it impossible to believe that anyone else could love, or even like, them. Fear of being abandoned by critical parents develops and the child ends up walking on eggshells, certain that at any moment, if they say or do the wrong thing, they could be rejected by the entire family.

When a child grows up in this type of environment, they realize they will never be loved by their family in the way they need to be, and so they develop coping skills to stay alive. First, they learn to turn off the pain of their feelings. If they can’t control the pain through willpower, they turn to addictive coping skills: Over-eating (especially sugary and salty foods), watching too much television or isolating with video games, etc. As they grow older the addictions become more serious: alcohol, drugs, cutting themselves, shopping, gambling, sex, pornography, etc.

Parents need to be aware that children hear and observe everything their parents say and do. Children also believe their parents have to be right and that they (the child) have to be wrong. Constructive criticism is necessary, but it should be tempered with love. A child needs to be told that what they have done is wrong, but they also need to be reminded that they are loved no matter what mistakes they make. 

Unfortunately, too many children in dysfunctional households are not made to feel like they have made a forgivable mistake. Instead, they are made to feel as though they themselves are a non forgivable mistake. This causes the child great shame because they come to believe they have no value as a human being.

It doesn’t take long for them to realize that if their own parents don’t love them, nobody will, least of all themselves, or God. So the endless cycle of emotionally medicating through addictive behaviors begins and perpetuates itself until the individual finds help through Recovery programs, or dies from their addiction based in poor self-love.