Soulshine

“Feeling compassion for other people is not about becoming obligated to them or feeling responsible for their lives.” Howard Falco, I AM Codependents often confuse compassion with a strong sense of obligation. When we first enter recovery, we may believe we are responsible for the lives of everyone we have grown attached to, or taken hostage. We are so used to linking our compassion for others with a deep sense of being obligated to fix their lives. Their every feeling has become our feeling and their every disappointment, failure or hang-nail has become ours to own and heal. We have made ourselves responsible for making their world all sunny bright. As a result, separating feelings of obligation from feelings of compassion can be very difficult for many newly recovery codependents. Initially, compassion without obligation seems like a cop-out. We feel as though we are letting others down by relinquishing responsibility for their lives; when, in truth, we are showing true compassio...

Life isn’t about rewards. It’s about being who you are. But if you still want a really great reward in life, look at it this way: Be who you are and allow other people to be who they are. There’s no greater reward for we humans than being exactly who God made each of us to be. Stop existing in the hollow shell of who you “should” be. Many people are stuck there. They spend a lifetime hiding inside the false shell of you “should be” a good boy or good girl. This shell requires that you deny your dark side. Family, society and church created this shell (remove the “s” and notice that the word becomes “hell”). They decided who you “should” be. Then they told you how to act, what to wear, what to say, what to believe, who to trust, etc. And they often used fear, guilt and shame to coerce you into conformity with their will. As adults, we have to grow beyond this (s)hell. We have to take responsibility for our lives. We have to decide what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable—for us. ...

“People are people so why should it be that you and I get along so awfully?” Depeche Mode, People Are People People are people. Rules are rules. Love is love. Right is right. So why can’t we human beings get along in this world? I think it has a lot to do with rules getting in the way of love, and the fact that we often don’t do what’s truly loving, what’s truly right concerning some people, because we want the reward of approval from certain other people. If you look at Christian Scriptures you will see that Jesus Christ often did the “wrong” things for the right reasons. He picked grain on the Sabbath. He healed the sick on the Sabbath. And he socialized with the “dregs” of society. His behavior was seen as wrong in the eyes of pious people, and he was severely criticized. But he didn’t care. He wasn’t concerned about winning the approval of the self-righteous, or about achieving some great reward if he followed all of the “right” rules of his faith. He was concerned about doing th...

You can’t let someone down who has never been willing to pick him/her self up. Yet many people feel extremely guilty over their inability to rescue a friend or family member from addictive acting-out. Rescuing others is the stuff of Superman or Wonder Woman. It makes for exciting fiction, but it rarely applies to real life—unless you’re a fireman, police officer or medic. And even in these situations, we’re talking about the physical rescue of persons who can’t save themselves; not the emotional rescue of people who refuse to help themselves. No person can perform a true emotional rescue on people who refuse to help themselves. After all, how can you help someone who isn’t willing to admit they have a problem? How can you help someone who isn’t willing to own their problem and to take responsibility for their own life? You can’t. And if you try hard to rescue them, you will find yourself eventually enabling them to stay stuck in their addictive nightmare. People who insist on rescui...

“If you cannot accept what is outside, then accept what is inside. Do not resist the pain. Allow it to be there. Surrender to the grief, despair, fear, loneliness, or whatever form the suffering takes. Witness it without labeling it mentally. Embrace it. Then see how the miracle of surrender transmutes deep suffering into deep peace. This is your crucifixion. Let it become your resurrection and ascension.” Eckhart Tolle, Practicing the Power of Now Life pummels all of us with hardships we resist. Many of these hardships seem unbearable. Something terrible happens and we don’t want to even begin to go there, or to touch the reality of the horror it holds. Sometimes we go on emotional lockdown. We are determined not to stray past our carefully constructed force-field of denial. We just can’t accept what the “outside” is offering us. It isn’t easy to accept a diagnosis of melanoma. It isn’t easy to watch a son or daughter waste away under the grip of bourbon or cocaine. And it isn’t ...

"In my mind, I have shot you and stabbed you through your heart. I just didn't understand the ricochet is the second part. ‘Cause you can't hide what you intend. It glows in the dark. Once you've sought the path of revenge, there's no way to stop. And the more I try to hurt you, the more that it hurts me… And the more I try to hurt you, the more it backfires, the more it backfires, the more that it backfires."   Revenge by Danger Mouse and Sparklehorse   At some time or another, we all experience a need for revenge. Someone we love betrays us, or someone we work with is purposely ugly toward us, and we are gripped by hurt, sadness and anger. If we allow the anger to escalate we may find ourselves dehumanizing our perpetrator by calling him/her a “bastard” or a “bitch.” Once we have dehumanized them, we have set a course toward revenge. Our hearts are now running on hatred and the need to get back at the person who has caused us agony. As we plot and then carr...

" You get to the point where you evolve in your life where everything isn't black and white, good and bad, and you try to do the right thing… You might not like that. You might be very cynical about that. Well… I don't care what you think. I'm trying to do the right thing. "I'm tired of Republican-Democrat politics. They can take the job and shove it. I come from a blue-collar background. I'm trying to do the right thing, and that's where I'm going with this." State Senator Roy McDonald, R-New York Many people want someone else to be responsible for their moral decisions. It keeps them from having to think for themselves and from being responsible for their own lives—or so they think. People with religious brain-freeze are often very fearful of life in general. And they tend to live their lives believing whatever religious leaders tell them to believe. They allow others to dictate “the law” of their religion to them and they never question it...