Soulshine

“(Beside me) Need your lovin' here beside me (To guide me) Keep it close enough to guide me (Inside of me) From the fears that are inside of me You're the biggest part of me.” Ambrosia, The Biggest Part of Me (1980) I always loved the song “The Biggest Part of Me” by Ambrosia. It fed my codependent neediness; the belief that someone else could fill me up and make me Ok by being the biggest part of me. I used to believe that I needed to lose myself in someone else; that I needed to become less of me and more of them and then life would be paradise. And I thought that this process was all part of falling in love. But I’ve learned that codependents don’t fall in love, they fall into addictive attraction. Believing that someone else can become the biggest part of me is an insane addictive obsession. Sometimes addictive attraction is totally one-sided and sometimes it’s mutual—at least early on. More often than not, a person with an addictive personality is a...

“A nun I know once told me she kept begging God to take her character defects away from her. After years of this prayer, God finally got back to her: I’m not going to take anything away from you.  You have to give it to me.” Anne Lamont, Help-Thanks-Wow I’ve come to believe that prayer needs to be very simple and that it needs to be a partnership. Prayer, to me, is simply talking with a Higher Power; no need for rote prayers. The most honest prayer comes from the heart. I write it myself with my honesty and vulnerability. Prayer is a partnership in that I ask a Higher Power for help with the things I am powerless over, and in that I accept responsibility for the things I need to do to help myself. Prayer isn’t about asking a Higher Power to do everything while I sit back and wait. This partnership means I work hand-in-hand with a Higher Power to resolve life’s burdens, and it often leads to a partnership with others as well. I struggle with terrible bouts of sadne...

“I thought I was in love with you, but then I realized that I was in love with how much you were in love with me.” Anonymous The emotional neediness of many codependents drives them to lavish others with praise, gifts, attention and a false concept of love, especially in romantic relationships. Too many codependents are starved for romantic fulfillment and so it’s easy for them to overwhelm the target of their romantic affections. Initially those on the receiving end of all that romantic attention are sometimes knocked for a loop. They are so overwhelmed by all of the attention they are receiving from the codependent that they at first think that they, too, are equally head-over-heals for this person (the codependent). But once they get their feet back on the ground, they begin to get some inner-clarity. And often times they come to an understanding that they really aren’t head-over-heals for the person who is showering them with affection, but rather, they are head-o...