Soulshine

It’s best to choose to leave the resentments of 2017 behind us today, on this final day of the year. Some of us have been through difficult relationships this year that didn’t end well. Some of us are still holding on to resentments from past years that have become grudges. And often times we are stuck because we are still expecting apologies we never received. I’ve heard many people say “I’ll never forgive him (her) until they beg me for forgiveness.” I used to say the same thing, but Recovery has taught me that holding on to a resentment, in hopes of receiving an apology, is detrimental to no one aside from myself. I would often like to receive an apology from someone who was rude, abusive or who betrayed me in some way. But I no longer EXPECT to receive one; nor do I place limits on my ability to forgive by accepting what I cannot change. If someone has no intentions of apologizing, or is simply unable to do so because they are too wounded inside themselves, I can’t force t...

“God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” These are among the most essential words in Recovery. For years, those of us with addictive or compulsive personalities have fought reality. We wanted whatever we couldn’t have. We wanted it, or him/her, and we wanted it NOW. It made no difference if reality was telling us we could not have what we so desperately wanted. It made no difference if reality was telling us we were powerless to change the unchangable. We were determined to have it our way— and we were just as determined to be miserable every time we hit our heads against reality’s impenetrable wall. We told ourselves “I can’t (or won’t) be happy until I have Mr or Ms Right, or a new job, or more money, or complete freedom from anxiety, or my kids living their lives the way I think they should be.” We placed our demands on life and set limitations on our own happiness. We created almost every second of misery we experienced. When we refused to face reali...

As the Holiday Season continues and we prepare to enter the New Year, we all have a choice: We can focus on all of our fears and disappointments over the past year, or we can focus on all we have to be grateful for over the past year. We can also choose to focus on the good in every moment that leads up to 2018– or we can focus on all that is negative in the moment and on our unfulfilled expectations. The choice is truly ours. And it’s absolutely true that we get what we focus on. Negative thoughts produce more negative thoughts, and all of those negative thoughts produce negative emotions, including depression. Every day I focus more and more on finding the positive in every moment, which keeps me from ruminating in my head and remaining stuck in my lifetime pattern of negative thinking. The more I focus on the positive, the more I change my habitual default into negative thoughts. As a result, I have never felt so content in my whole life. My negative feelings are daily lo...

This quote is so true. All of my life I’ve struggled because I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it NOW. I never really appreciated what I did have, and so I always wanted more. And I wanted things to be my way— or else. There was no alternative. If I really wanted something, from a new sleek figure to a new stereo to a lifetime lover, I had to have it. No was not an option and neither was happiness— until I got what I wanted. Recovery’s first lesson to me was Step One: I am powerless over (fill in anything here) and my life has become unmanageable. And the Serenity Prayer continued to build on the lesson: God grant me serenity to ACCEPT the things I cannot change. For the first time in my life I realized that I wasn’t solely in charge. God, or my Higher Power, was in control and so I needed to relinquish my insistence on being in control by admitting I was truly powerless over much of life— and over every other person. Thanks to my Recovery work (therapy, spiritual self-hel...

It’s the Holiday Season; a time when those who celebrate Christmas are supposed to be happy, happy, happy. But many people aren’t happy. This can especially be true for those of us with addictive personalities. Too often, our inner-emptiness gets in the way of being happy like we’re supposed to be. Over my life, I’ve spent many a Christmas focusing on what was missing from my life: a romantic partner (one who could love me into being happy, of course), friends, parents who could love me for who I am, a better job, not being thin enough, not being handsome enough, not being personable enough, etc. So, I spent those Christmas holidays being miserable over what I DIDN’T have. I CHOSE to moan and groan and play poor miserable me. But not anymore. This year I’m choosing to focus on the positives. I’m loving myself better, being more the REAL me (and learning that the right people like the real me), being grateful for how generous people are to me, being grateful for friends, for f...

Be who you are. This is a primary lesson of Recovery programs. Most of us with addictive personalities have been running from who we are since childhood, when we first got the message that being ourselves wasn't "good enough." Well, Recovery teaches us we are good enough just as we are. And that we need to accept ourselves, faults and all, instead of trying to be false, shiny, plastic images of our true selves. Owning our true identities means we have to reprogram our thoughts about ourselves. Recovery helps us to weed-out the lies we learned to believe about ourselves and to nourish the flowers that are waiting to grow in our souls. It also means that we have to face and accept all of our feelings. As Stephen C. Paul says in his book Illuminations , "Emotions pass like clouds across the sky. They're to be noticed, accepted, acknowledged and allowed to flow on."  Accepting our difficult feelings is essential to accepting our true selves. Som...

As a codependent I’ve spent much of my life WAITING for someone else to bring me flowers, or rather, to MAKE me happy. I had decided I couldn’t be happy being me, so there was no way for me to make me happy. So my happiness became someone else’s responsibility. I wanted someone to rescue me from horrible me. Sounds like an old Disney movie, doesn’t it? From Snow White to Cinderella, the story line is basically the same: Helpless person, who can’t ensure their own happiness, needs a prince or princess to rescue them, to MAKE them happy— ever after! Recovery has taught me real life doesn’t work that way. It works like this: I have to relinquish all of my reasons for feeling inferior and hating myself. I have to work at accepting me just as I am. Self-acceptance leads to self-love over time. When I’m having difficulties in accepting and loving myself— in tending the garden of my own soul— I need to place what I can’t do for myself into the hands of a Higher Power. My Higher Pow...