Soulshine

    "At one point, I became sharply aware that I was largely responsible for my own alienation. Because of my extremely low sense of self-worth, I did everything in my power to keep people away." A Time to Be Free: Daily Meditations   Ten years ago, a therapist told me he had seen me at a shopping mall. He didn't approach me because he said I looked totally unapproachable. At first, I was surprised by his remark, but then I told him I was wearing my stealth face that says "I'm traumatized-- don't hurt me" mixed with my "Don't bother me" face, which is to stop store clerks from bothering me. It was my fearful way of pushing people away-- even people I'd liked to meet and know. I'm quite aware now that I wear my stealth-trauma face every time I walk out the front door. It's a face that has always projected my poor self-worth, but I feel it has now out-lived it's purpose. I still suffer from trauma but truth is no one today is ...

    "It is common folklore that a visit from a cardinal represents a sign from a loved one who has passed. While this belief cannot be traced to a single origin, birds have often symbolized heavenly visitors, messengers to the gods, or even the gods themselves in feathered form.    This belief has been part of ancient Egyptian, Celtic, Maori, Irish, and Hindu spiritualism, as well as the lore and legends of many Native American tribes, including the Ojibwe, Lakota, Odawa, Sioux and Algonquin."   -The Farmer’s Almanac     As I was walking along our side yard this afternoon, I came across two cardinal birds, a male and a female. I had been praying earlier and asked my parents in Heaven to help me work through and heal from the trauma and chaos in our household as I was growing up. They were not capable of helping when they were alive on this earth. They had no idea how to stop the trauma they felt and then spread around the house. But, now that they are ...

    Existing vs. Being Fully Alive   On a nice Autumn day, do you really feel the gentle, refreshing breeze as you walk down a sidewalk? If you stop at an outdoor cafe to eat lunch, do you really taste the food as you eat it? Do you sit and take-in, breathe-in all of the world around you? If someone comes walking by and says "Great day outside," do you respond with a "Yes, it's beautiful" or do you look away? Well, I can answer "NO" to these questions, and admit that I am not fully alive. Every day of my young adult/adult life I have lived in automatic-zombie mode. Recently, I have walked outside and thought "what a beautiful morning!" And I've imagined myself frolicking across the neighborhood greeting the day and everyone I encounter. For just a few seconds, I get a glimpse of what it must be like to be fully alive. For just a few seconds... Every time I see the Bette Davis movie, Now Voyager , I get choked up during a scene where she a...

After thinking about the above quote, I realized that I often problem solve by reacting to the problem, which is a big problem in itself. Most of my problems are created on a subconscious level of thinking.  Like the typical addict, I subconsciously create my own mistakes which then become problems, and those problems feed my need for chaos.Then, I am able to feel victimized by the chaos. Is that a perfect addictive cycle? Seems that way. And, when it comes to solving the problem/chaos after it no longer serves my needs, I usually default into reactionary behavior, which is brewing in my subconscious mind. That way, I can create more chaos. Well, now that I am aware of this cycle, I've decided I don't want to be in this rotating mouse trap anymore.  Einstein is right. To solve a problem caused by the subconscious mind, we have to use our conscious mind. Our knee-jerk decisions are all made by our subconscious mind and they tend to get us into big trouble. We may say things we ...

  One of my codependent misconceptions is that every mistake I make-- great or small-- is FATAL. I go into an immediate panic. I feel like I have an ax over my head and at any minute it's going to drop on me. I feel like a total fake and loser for having made the mistake. This subconscious belief has haunted me, making me miserable for days at a time, for many years now. It's just been recently that I have been able to fish it out of my subconscious mind. Once I realize that the consequences for the particular mistake are nowhere near as big as what my feelings are feeding me, sanity settles in and I can breathe again. Making a typo in an official document is NOT fatal. Forgetting about an appointment is NOT fatal. Dripping pizza sauce on my shirt is NOT fatal. Getting a traffic ticket is NOT fatal. Missing a payment by its due date is NOT fatal. Forgetting a friend's birthday is NOT fatal. Putting on a few extra pounds is NOT fatal. Having a bad hair day is NOT fatal. So, ...

  "You must recognize the darkness in yourself  in order to understand the darkness in others."  Carl Jung   The past few days, I've been walking through my darkness. I can't say I've enjoyed facing the fire, but it is necessary in recovery. Most of my life, I had no idea how much darkness was in me. I thought of myself as the good boy. But being wedded to good behavior--perfect behavior-- is a huge darkness in itself. No one can be perfect and no one can truly be the good boy or good girl 24/7. I have challenged myself to do things my way. Many people have held power over me for years: mother, father, clergy, friends, classmates, coworkers and complete strangers. These are the people who I have allowed to be in charge of my decisions, my actions, my beliefs, my view of myself and most every other aspect of my behavior. If they said "jump," I jumped. If they said "This is a sin," I felt dirty. If they said "You are inherently bad," I ...

    T he average addict is used to facing a great deal of chaos and drama in their daily lives. For years, one of my daily pleas was "God, can't I get through one day-- just ONE day-- without a problem that drains and exhausts me?"  I don't make that plea in the same way anymore. That plea was about life handing me a different headache every day. Truth is, life wasn't the problem. I was the instigator of all of the daily chaos and drama in my life. There was no way for Higher Power to answer my original plea until I woke up and decided to get out of the way. Initially, I found it easy to avoid creating drama in my life. But I have a tendency to create new ones when I'm really bored. Today, I got up and said "I'm tired of struggling! I'm sick of being at war with myself! And I refuse to be a victim of my own thinking anymore."  I've been trying too hard to control things about myself that I just cannot control. Hence, every day the drama o...