Forgiveness Requires More Than Making Peace With Someone Else

“If you’ll forgive you, I’ll forgive me.”

Joan Blondell, We’re In the Money

Actress Joan Blondell was a tough, sassy, gutsy blonde back in her film heyday of the 1930s. In the 1935 romantic comedy “We’re in the Money,” Blondell  is making amends with leading man Ross Alexander when she says “If you’ll forgive you, I’ll forgive me.” It was an interesting twist. Two people are apologizing to each other and one of them is farsighted enough to realize that true forgiveness is more than just “I’ll forgive you, if you’ll forgive me.”

After all, we sometimes find it much easier to forgive someone else than we do to forgive ourselves. And it’s pretty difficult for us to really have closure with a sore spot in a relationship until we have forgiven ourselves, too. For example, Ginger (Joan Blondell) and Carter (Ross Alexander) have done some pretty dumb, manipulative and selfish things during their on-screen relationship in the film. Our hope, as we’re watching, is that they will be able to grow-up, take responsibility for their mistakes, forgive each other and live happily ever after.

But happily ever after won’t happen if Ginger and Carter have only forgiven each other. They also need to forgive themselves in addition to forgiving each other. When we refuse to forgive ourselves for past behavior, it becomes a bullwhip that we use on ourselves and it also becomes a wedge between us and the person we hurt with our behavior. By denying ourselves forgiveness, we will always wonder how the other person could possibly have truly forgiven us. And we will always question the sincerity of their forgiveness. We will worry that they are still hurting and we will be fearful that one day they will hold it over our head again, or that they will use it as an excuse to abandon us.

Forgiveness of the other and forgiveness of self go together like hand in glove. For a relationship to be vigorously healthy we have to practice forgiveness in its entirety in the same way we need to practice open communication, honesty and acceptance.

Next time you find yourself saying “I’ll forgive you, if you forgive me,” don’t forget to add “And by the way, I’ll forgive me, if you’ll forgive you.”