Rub Me the Wrong Way—And Watch Me Grow!

Do we ever really see another person just the way he/she is? I doubt it because we spend so much time projecting our own inner-garbage all over everyone else. Think about all of the people you encounter, one way or another, over the course of one day. How much of your own inner-turmoil do you project onto those people? Any time we make a negative judgment against someone else, we are most likely projecting our own negative judgments against ourselves onto those people.

Everyday we see people we don’t know and who we will never see again, and yet we spray all of our inner-garbage all over them. In our heads, we criticize how they are dressed, the fact they have tattoos, the way they walk, the people they are choosing to walk with, the bumper-stickers on their cars, the way they eat their French fries, and the stories they have to tell. Why? Because each of those people we choose to criticize is rubbing us the wrong way. And they are rubbing us the wrong way because they are hitting our subconscious panic buttons. In each of these persons we subconsciously see something about ourselves that we refuse to consciously see.

Everyone who rubs us the wrong way has a great lesson to teach us about ourselves. On the conscious level, we often shake our heads and adamantly deny that we are anything like “those people.” But deep down inside we know that when it comes to personal behavior, we are like the long lost missing twin brother or sister of this very person we despise.

Next time you find yourself being rubbed the wrong way by someone, don’t waste your time hating the person. Instead, cherish the person and the time that is being afforded to you to learn to improve yourself. Allow yourself to see your own behavioral patterns in this person. And then make a conscious choice to face those bad patterns of behavior head-on. Choose to understand how you ended up stuck in these bad patterns of behavior.

For example, I was having a lot of problems with someone who I obviously rubbed the wrong way. When he was around me, he spent all of his time minimalizing me, treating me like I didn’t count and like anything I had to say was stupid. He tried hard to make me feel like I didn’t count and that I was less valuable as a person than he was. Consciously, I thought he was a horrible person to treat me in such a way—a way in which I would never treat anyone. Then, a few months later, I found myself working with someone who rubbed me the wrong way. And much to my horror, I slowly realized that I minimalized this person in the same way that I had been minimalized. I rolled my eyes when he talked and acted like everything he had to say was stupid and of no importance.

Ouch! What a rotten wake-up call that was. Suddenly, I had to drop all of my denial and realize that I was just as bad as the person I had long resented for treating me badly. And now I had to make a conscious choice. I either had to continue to project my own issues on this coworker and continue to treat him in ways that I didn’t like being treated. Or I had to dig deeper into the bad feelings that he conjured up in me, and go against my gut feelings by treating him with proper respect. I chose the latter, although sometimes I gave into my old bad unresolved feelings—the ones he slapped me in the face with every time I encountered him. I later realized that those old bad feelings were directly tied to my relationship with my mother.

So the next time someone rubs you the wrong way, thank God for that person instead of being perturbed by them. See them as a grace that, regardless of how painful it may be, will lead you to a better understanding of yourself and, eventually, to a healthier new you.