Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin

Let’s start by thinking of boundaries in this way: Boundaries are where you end and I begin, or vice-versa. Boundaries separate me from you and in doing so, they protect both of us. Many people go through life, however, without any sense of boundaries because they have very little sense of self. Instead of focusing on themselves and their own needs, they have spent their entire lives focusing on others and their needs.

People with no or poor boundaries have blurred the line between where they end and other people begin. In many ways, these individuals are like Siamese twins to everyone that they have chosen to attach themselves to. They can tell you their husband’s favorite sport, their wife’s favorite color, their brother’s favorite food, their daughter’s favorite TV show or their best friend’s favorite book. But they can’t begin to tell you about their favorites in these or most any other category.

They have been so busy assuming the identities of other people that these boundary-less individuals have little or no concept of who they are, what they think or believe, or what they want.

Oh sure, they can tell you their names, where they grew-up, where they went to school, what degree they received in college and what they do for a living. But aside from these basics, people who have few or no boundaries have rarely taken the time to look within themselves to discover who is really inside. Instead, they have intrusively looked inside everyone else and have assumed the identities of everyone around them.

In order to build good boundaries we must first take our focus off of others and take the time to focus on ourselves. Who am I, really? What do I like? What do I dislike? What do I have faith in? What do I believe in? How do I define right from wrong? What do I enjoy doing? What is life-giving to me? What causes me pain? Where would I  like to travel? What is my favorite comfort food? The answers to these and many other questions can help us to better identify ourselves.

For a clearer picture of me, I can make a list of all of my likes/dislikes, goals and dreams, beliefs and favorite recreations and then compare them to the like/dislikes, goals and dreams, etc. of others who are important to my life. If I am honest with myself, I‘ll find there are differences and that’s OK. This is part of where I begin and the others end. It’s what makes me uniquely me and what makes them uniquely who they are.

The more intimate I am with myself, the more I will understand what provides me with pleasure and what causes me pain. I will also better understand when someone else’s behavior is compromising my value as a human being. This understanding will help me to set boundaries that protect me. Maybe my spouse has a habit of calling me “stupid.” When I was enmeshed in him/her, I simply accepted it. But now I can set a boundary to protect myself. I no longer have to accept behavior that makes me feel abused and powerless. Now I can say “It really hurts my feelings when you tell me I’m stupid. Please treat me like I‘m someone you love. I deserve love, not insults.”

In the same way that boundaries protect me from others, they also  protect others from me. If I’ve been used to sticking my nose into other people’s business as if it were my own, they can set boundaries with me and I must learn to honor those boundaries by refusing to meddle in their lives.

Remember, boundaries are about where you end and someone else begins. Start building good boundaries today. They provide better intimacy for you and the those you love. Thus everyone wins!