Whose Life Are You Dramatizing?

“We have a tendency to make assumptions about everything.

The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth.”

Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

Codependents love drama. We create endless dramas in our heads every day. And most of these dramas are based in false assumptions we make about others and unreasonable expectations that we love to impose on everyone we know. Rarely are our dramas favorable ones. They usually entail us being the victim of someone else’s behavior; and, of course, we always imagine that behavior as being detrimental toward us.

Unfortunately, because we believe our assumptions are the truth and our expectations are legitimate, we make terrible judgments against innocent people. We get angry with them, we pout, we accuse them of things they have never said or done, and we layer them with guilt or shame for not being who we wanted them to be. In other words, we screw-up our relationships based in the very messed-up dramas that dominate our minds.

I recently spoke to a bereavement group. Most everyone there was grieving the death of someone close to them. One lady was telling us about the recent death of her husband. She went on to say how disappointed she was in her step-son, and how he had ruined the entire funeral experience for her. She was upset because her step-son didn’t grieve (cry) the way she thought he should have at his father’s funeral. She was also upset because he didn’t stay any longer than he had to stay.

When she finished speaking I said to her that I didn’t think she was upset with her step-son at all. I told her what she was really upset with were the assumptions and expectations she imposed on her step-son.

I then pointed out to her that she had told us she was the second wife of the father of this man. I asked her if she knew anything about her step-son’s childhood relationship with his father. She said, “No.” Then I pointed out to her that she had no idea what the step-son may have suffered through with his father. She acknowledged that fact was true. I then told her that I thought her step-son probably did the best he could in handling his father’s death and the resulting funeral.

Finally, I pointed out that everyone grieves differently, and just because we might cry at the death of someone doesn’t mean that everyone will cry. It also doesn’t mean that it’s wrong not to cry. We need to honor everyone’s feelings and allow them to grieve in the only way they know how to grieve.

She got the point. She realized that she had judged her step-son harshly based in false assumptions and unreasonable expectations that she had created in her head and imposed upon him. She had created a drama where there didn’t need to be one. And as a result, she had alienated her step-son instead of loving him for who he is and where he was at in coping with the death of his father.

Pay attention to how many dramas you create in your own head today—dramas that are based in false assumptions and unreasonable expectations. Then let go of those dramas and choose to love people for who they are and where they are at in the moment. Eliminating dramas and giving people the benefit of the doubt with make your relationships healthier and your life much happier.